self-sabatoge

I'm sharing this, because I want to know if I'm the only one who self-sabatoges for this reason.

My mother lived in denial that I was being severely verbally, spiritually, and emotionally abused by my father for 4 years. Basically, he was in the right (he was a pastor), so I must be in the wrong. When I went to my mother, all I was told was I wasn't abused, I wasn't in pain, how dare I talk about my father like that, etc, etc. I was just a rebellious child who refused to be good.

My adult life is littered with more "failures", married twice by 22, married a man with a temper at 17, married a man older than my father by 22, etc., -- things that would be warning sign to any normal person that I was hurting and subconsciously trying to heal the relationship with my father, but since it was me, I was just sinning.

Years and years later, both my mother and sister recognized the damage my father did to me, they acknowledged it and validated me for the first time. But nothing really changed. They still treat me like the majority of my problems are charater flaws of my own doing.

I struggled for so long not to be invisible, to just be seen by them, to have the wounds and the holes in my soul acknowledged, to turn to those who should be closest to me in the hopes for comfort and love instead of being told I'm either not really in pain or its my fault/ mostly self-inflicted anyway.

So here's the point: If I heal, if I am strong and don't need food or cigerrettes for comfort or to numb the pain, than obviously the pain wasn't that bad, the wounds not that deep anyway. It will be "proving" what they believed all along, that they were surface wounds. That my struggles are a result of my character flaws. I will once again be completely invsible to them, after struggling for years to be seen.

So I self-sabatoge and never reach goal, becuae of a desire to be seen by 2 people I'm mosty invisible to, and who constnatly criticize and judge me in their attempt to "help" me rid myself of my character defects.

So how do I accept that they will never see me, never know the real me, that I will never have a close bond with either of them, and just move on, heal, and grow?

Does anyone else struggle with this? Feel like if you heal, than you must not have really been hurt in the first place? That if you can overcome this huge hurdle, that just means it was this tiny hump in the road that you pathetically let defeat you all these years?

Was It Worth It?

WRITTEN MONDAY, JUNE 6th:

Over the weekend, I ate 27 points over my 49 bonus points. Amazingly, that is how much I exercised over the 3 days as well. This was not intentional, but when I noticed it Sunday, I opted for peppers with cal-free dressing for lunch (having already pointed my dinner and dessert).


So even though I haven’t really “cheated” or gone off plan, to still get 40 exercise points toward a loss this weigh-in, I will have to do 10 points a day Mon thru Thursday.

Was it worth it?

No, but not because of the exercise (though granted that is hard). Because I felt so sick on Sunday. Granted, a lot of that was because I drank too much and was hung-over, but I was sickly too. Too much grease and/or sugar. My body just isn’t used to that anymore. After I napped and finally didn’t feel hung-over, I got in 7 exercise points at high-intensity, so that was nice. But never again. Not pigging out for 3 straight days. No amount of frustration at a low weight loss is worth that. One cheat day is nice, but I didn’t need the whole weekend. Considering that was the norm, it goes to show the progress I’ve made.

UPDATE: Wednesday, June 8th. OK, getting 10 activity points a day is hard. No amount of food is worth it. Binge lesson learned.

Fortunately, I only have one day left.

Reward Changes

My goal was to reach 133 by my 33rd birthday, which at 146 and 4 weeks away, is def not going to happen. I then readjusted that goal to be 139 by my birthday. That will only be possible if I lose 2 pounds for the next  4 weeks...highly unlikely as I only lost .2 this week.

Anyway, I reached my first reward goal of 149, but lip plumpers don't work, so that reward fell to the wayside. The next reward of eyelash perm was supposed to be at 144 (when my goal was 138), but then changed to 139, when my goal changed to 129. And then a loose body wave perm was supposed to be another goal reward, but that one changed too. I don't even remember at this point.

But point is, I had no idea it was going to be such a struggle to lose this weight. Thus, I thought I would be going the summer with curled eyelashes and permed hair. And confidence.

So...I am doing both, hair and eye lashes, before my mini birthday vacation. Hubby and my's birthday are 2 days apart so we are celebrating them together, and I have surprise weekend getaway planned for him at a place he's wanted to visit for awhile now.

One other change though, I am not getting hair permed. I didn't really want it permed -- even just a loose body wave. I was going that for him, because he said that was his favorite hair style. But for memorial day, I'd braided my wet hair the night before so it would be wavy for the barbecue.

1) He didn't say anything after I'd taken all the braids out and styled it.

2) When I finally asked him if he just hadn't noticed or if he just wasn't saying anything. He said, um, let me see it (he had seen it, but now, inspected it -- that alone, told me he didn't like it

3) He said it was okay.

4) So.....i then showed him the pics I'd taken into the hairdresser as examples of what I wanted when I set up my appointment. He was equally unimpressed.

5) He then said he doesn't even remember telling me he preferred loose wavy hair, and that he didn't, unless compared to tight, permed ringlets -- which I never asked him about. ???? Men.

THANK GOODNESS I braided my hair. I actually thanked him profusely. I would have been so upset had I spent the money on a perm, holding my breath to see if I liked, and fearing I'd hate it and have to convince myself I looked good to him. The whole perm was going to be a surprise. I was just going to come home and assumed he would see me and think how brilliantly beautiful I was with my new 'do.

So....I'm actually going to do what I want to do, and that is a Keratin straightening treatment. My hair always looks like crap....except when it's been freshly blown-dry straight after a haircut by the stylist. I've never been able to repeat it (my thick hair takes over an hour to dry like that, and the closest I can come to it is with a straightener, which if I did every day, or even just on weekends would quickly fry my already dry ends.

But supposedly, a Keratin treatment gives you that look without any maintenance. It's more expensive -- 250 at my salon -- but it locks out humidity (which is horrible here on east coast) and it's the only style I've ever loved and felt, and I mean REALLY felt beautiful with it. And it lasts 3 - 6 months. So, instead of it being a surprise, I then showed him pictures to ensure he would like it, and he said, yea, straight is what he's used to on me (though mine does have an odd wave to it -- mostly due to the regular ponytail) and that I was silly to consider getting a perm when I didn't want one and should do what makes me feel confident.

So....again, grateful I braided my hair and saved myself what could have been a disaster. And at least, even if I don't reach goal all summer, I will have liked my hair and felt pretty in that regard this summer. And hopefully that will give me the confidence to keep working out despite the heat and slow weight loss.

PS -- the picture for this post is EXACTLY what my hair looks like when blow-dried straight. :) So, since the weight is taking forever to come off, this (and my eyelashes) is my reward for learning how to not binge (and not doing it for over 2 months, when used to EVERY weekend), for exercising consistently and at the maximum even when not losing, and for overall not giving up this time around.

Not quite a binge

So, being very discouraged with only a .2 weight loss, I decided to go out to dinner with my hubby. I got dressed up, even did my hair, and we went to a pizza restaurant. I had 3 slices of a med pepperoni pizza, plus split an appetizer (i had a few onion rings and 1 1/2 chicken tenders dipped in honey mustard. Then, realizing that they didn't have the dessert I really wanted, we went to TGIF and split the brownie obsession (minus the pecans). Amazingly, I was not stuffed. I didn't overeat. It was fattening foods to be sure, but I didn't stuff myself silly and felt satisfied.

I got home and pointed it out and realized I still had 35 of my 49 points left (had alot of daily's left too). I was quite impressed.

Today we went kayaking for an hour, and then went food shopping. Since WW in April, I've not been in eating high fat foods all weekend long (pizza every night, etc.), but I woke up wanting a weekend off. I wanted my venti white mocha from Starbucks, I wanted a chic-fillet cookies and cream milkshake. I wanted pizza and chocolate cake. You get the picture.

So I ended up getting a rising crust pepperoni pizza, to eat half tonight and half tomorrow (he got supreme). I also got a slice of triple colossal chocolate cake -- and oh my gosh, it looks delicious. But hey, I bought a slice, not a whole cake (which would be devoured over the weekend). With his supreme pizza came 12 chocolate chip cookies you bake in the oven -- my absolute favorite, which we are going to split for tomorrow night's dessert.

I have decided I will point all this, even though I know it will def come over my 49. BUT, for a weekend off, I don't think it's that bad. I'm not binging. I'm not eating to the point of feeling stuffed. I'm not eating everything in sight. In fact, when I got hungry for lunch, I cut myself up some red pepper and ate it dipped in calorie-free dressing.

So even though I am taking a weekend off, which was totally unplanned and wouldn't have happened had I lost this week, I think I am doing it smart. Will I regret it Monday morning? I don't know. Will I regret it Friday morning at weigh-in if I lose nothing? Probably. Will I regret it if I gain? Definitely. But I have all week to burn it off, and since I'm going to point it, I will at least know how many exercise points I have to earn to make up for some of it. I don't really expect to gain. We'll see.

I'm already up to 8 points today. I'm going to hit at least 10, probably 12. (I'm doing high-impact step aerobics with weights while watching Australia Biggest Loser episodes on YouTube). Yesterday I did 8 points, despite laying on the couch for over an hour too unmotivated to get up and do anything after coming home from weigh-in.  7 is my usual max. 4 is my minimum. I usually hit 42 a week. I think I'll aim for 55, but at least 50 and see what the scale says Friday.

And now, back to Biggest Loser and my step (while carrying 26 pounds in a back pack -- the weight I've lost). Then off to my pizza dinner and delicious chocolate cake! :)

bikini dreams

Well, apparently despite freezing and just exiting out of the screen without a confirmation, the bikini order was still placed. *sigh*

I am going away on a mini-weekend vacation with my hubby over the 4th of July weekend. That's what I was ordering it for. I no i will probably feel good in it WITH the vest/wrap, but whether or not I will take that out and go swimming I've no idea (which was part of my exercise plan to maintain/not gain over the vacation).

Of course, you also have the problem of ordering a swimsuit online and it not fitting. I only paid for standard shipping so no idea if I have time to send it back and get another size if it doesn't fit, but I'm not too worried about that. I ordered the bottom in a size 10. I'm between an 8 and a 10 at the moment, but as slow as I lose weight, I don't think it will be baggy. Besides, I need the extra fabric to cover my tummy and fit nice on my hips (love handles) instead of indenting them in and creating a roll. The top I ordered in a D, which is exactly my bra size. It actually has an underwire and says D rather than medium or large and you can adjust both the neck and the band, so hopefully it will both cover the girls and hold them nicely in place.

Here are some pics....if anyone even reads this blog and wants to see. Regardless of how it fits, when it comes in, I will post pics with and without the wrap. Hopefully by then, I'll have some visitors who will let me know if I should wear it, or if there's no way in the world my body should see the light of day in a bikini.


This is the top. You can see the pads in this one, but they are only available in sizes A - C, so hopefully mine (D) will be smother. I'm just glad it's an underwire. I've never actually had a bathing suit made for a D.

This is the bottom. It says that rouching can be pulled down to create a skirt effect. I'm hoping that means it can also be pulled up to hide some/most of my tummy, which is why I chose this bottom to begin with. I don't have a long torso anyway, so most things sit higher on me than models, so hopefully it sits just at my navel. (Scroll down a post to see pics of tummy and why it needs to be hidden.)

Weigh-in

.2

And all I needed to reach my 10% and get a keychain was .4.

I knew the WW scale was off last week. Home scale said 140. Weight Watchers scale said 146. That's right back to exactly a 6 pound difference. What happened last week, I have no idea. So basically, instead of losing 2.2 last week, I probably only lost a pound. And this week a pound. Or 1.2 each week.

So freaking frustrated. I knew not to believe the scale last week.

I am dumb AND fat.

"Look Good Naked"

This is what my stomach looked like since I was 19 years old. I think the "look great naked" is the most painful media headline I see. Because I can't look good naked. Not without surgery, which will take a financial miracle.

I can't wear low rise jeans, let alone a bikini. I must be an idiot to have considered wearing a bikini this summer. I tried ordering it last night and the comp froze. It must have been a sign not to waste my money.

It doesn't matter how thin I get. I will never look good. And besides, I'm not thin enough yet even if I wasn't deformed -- as evidenced by my still huge thighs with 3 -4 inches of flab still touching! Was I delusional?

The last two include both the deformed stomach and the fat, squashy thighs.  What every man wants to see walking on the beach. Oh yea, so sexy.

And don't even talk about sitting. When I sit (or lay sideways), the whole thing just collapses over into rolls. One of my worst fears is my husband roving his hand over my stomach while I'm laying sideways.

All of this bikini dreaming started because of I have this absolutely adorable vest thing that I think I could look really sexy in (wearing it over the bikini). The problem is taking it off to go swimming and/or anytime I am sitting. I can't always be in a reclined pose.

I don't know what to do. I've worked really hard to lose weight, I exercise like a maniac, and most likely I will still be hiding in a skirted tankini this year. I am so discouraged. I wanted a black bikini so bad.

Natural Tatas

So I'm on facebook and there's an ad for those sticky bras things -- you know, basically duct taping the girls into position. Anyway, why I clicked on it, I don't know, but they had a bunch of pics with one breast taped and the other not.

I was actually pretty blown away...not by the product, mind you, but that the models didn't have naturally perky breasts -- the way magazines and such advertise. Granted, I realize there is much photo-shopping, but you never know what was photoshopped and what wasn't,  all you see is the glossy, so called perfect finished product/image.

Point is, I am glad I'm not the only one whose girls aren't perky. And it was nice to see a variety of women/models  in their "natural" state and to see proof that I'm not deformed or saggy....just normal. :)

Here are some of the pics and the link.

If you are offended by nudity, don't scroll down!

And here is the link if you want to see more pics, or want to buy the product: http://www.brastick.com/index.php?country=US&a=001&b=stick

Color

If anyone visits this blog, they will notice a new design. One that actually has color.

I just spent the last several hours designing it in all monochromatic pink. When I was finally done, I realized that while it was pretty, it was incredibly boring.

I've been reading style books (again) trying to figure out how to dress like a girl without looking ridiculous, fake, or too over the top. My mom was not a girly-girl by any means. No makeup, no jewelry, just jeans and sweatshirts (or T-shirts). That's basically how I dress. Baggy. Just like my mom. I end up looking sloppy and fat, but most times, I don't know what else to wear, because fitted = rolls.

The other thing is I dress in basically the same colors. Even some friends have commented that all I wear is black or brown with the occasional pink. So I've branched out to include teal. I've bought 2 teal tops -- tops, mind you, not t-shirts, in the past month. They are really cute, are cut out in the back, and very overall feminine.

Anyway...back to the new blog design. So realizing that it was totally boring its beautiful shades of pink, I opted for colors and decided to pick the blue and green that show up in my weight loss ticker.

This is a really big step for me. I know that sounds dumb. But it really is. I am a perfectionist. And everything has to be just perfect because it represents me and it must represent exactly who I am. Again, I know that sounds dumb.

So this is the new me, or the new blog. Pink, blue, and green.

Hope you enjoy!

Self-Encouragement

I am so down right now, feeling particularly self-conscious and like I will never not have rolls when I sit, let lone ever see bones, so I'm blogging to vent, and doing calculations to see how far I still have to go to reach my goal of 129 to cheer myself up.

I'm 146.2.

That's at least one pound thinner than when I first met my husband in person.

It's also the thinnest I've been in 12 years.

12 years ago, I got down to my thinnest adult weight ever -- 138. I only maintained it for a few months, because I went "off" the diet and 10 pounds seemed to come back overnight. Since then, the lowest I've ever gotten has been 147...and even then, only on occasion. I usually hit about 149, and somehow or another lose momentum. Usually, it's the end of the summer or holidays come up and I maintain for awhile, then end up creeping back to 155, 158, 162. Sometimes, like a year and a half ago when I started this journey, I ended up over 170.

I can't believe it -- I'm only 6.3 pounds away from reaching 139.9!

I've only been under 140 once, 12 years ago.

I'm only 8.2 pounds away from being my thinnest ever.

And I'm only 17 pounds away from being 129.2. Less than 20. At that weight, I assume I will lose the flab in my arms and be able to see muscle tone. At that weight, I assume, my ribs will show, my shoulder blades will show, and a hit of spine will be nice.

But 17 weeks puts me in the end of September.

Will I be able to hold onto this motivation till then? Will I be able to keep pushing myself to run...even when the heat waves set in? What happens when i run out of biggest loser episodes to watch? (They've been my motivation -- watching several episodes of the Australia version every day).

I can't think about the 17. I just can't. It's too much, it's too far away.

Right now, I am going to focus on losing at least .5 this week, which makes my WW 10%. Of course I hope to lose more than that, but I've lost 2.2 the last two weeks, and I'm not sure after weight losses of .4's and .8's before that, how long that will continue.

My next goal after that will def be 139.9.

Then, probably, 134.9.

Then I will focus on 129.

Hopefully, somewhere in there, I will start feel thin.

My First Race



Amazingly, I somehow managed to run my first 5k race under 30 minutes. That was my goal, but since I run a 12 minute mile every day I run, I never thought I could shave 6 minutes off my time.

First off, it was very hard (and very hot). My breathing was labored almost from the beginning because I literally ran as far as I could before I walked to catch my breath. I have no idea how long I ran, but when I usually run, the longest I ever do at one time is 1/10th of a mile.

I kept this one girl in my sights even though she was pretty far ahead of me. I kept catching up to her, but then I would have to walk and ended up falling behind. This happened over and over again, until I got frustrated and passed her. Then amazingly, I never saw her again.

But then as I kept running, and walking, different groups of girls would come out of nowhere and pass me. So then I was like, oh no you don't, and would push myself to run. Again and again.

At the end, my breathing was so hard, and face felt like it was burning, and these two girls kept coming up beside me, and I was like, I have not done this for this long and this hard for you to pass me, and I just started running faster. Then I finally saw the 3 mile marker and started sprinting as fast as I could....or so I thought.

Then I saw the clock at the finish line and it AMAZINGLY said 29-something minutes, and at THAT point I ran as fast as I bloody could. According to my chip, my time was 29:35.

I was breathing so hard after I was done, and trying to talk to my husband and son who were waiting for me, that one of the race officials thought i was having an asthma attack. I laughed and told her I was fine, that I'd just smoked for 17 years.

I was stoked. I couldn't believe I made my goal -- quite an unrealistic goal. I ended up placing 7th in my division (females 30-39). I hope that's good.

For my first race, I'm pretty proud. :)

Learning Confidence

Off to go see Kung Fu Panda 2. I adored the first one; Jack Black really made Po's character. I liked the whole message of the movie...learning to accept yourself for who you are and realizing that you bring something to the world that no one else can.

In the beginning, Po says, "I'm here, because if anyone can make me not me, it's you." But by the end, when confronted by the villain who is totally not threatened by him and who says, "You're just a big, fat panda," Po responds, "No, I'm THE big, fat panda."

So yea, I loved the movie and am very excited about the sequel.

Can't Believe It!!!

I am shell-shocked. I never expected to search yahoo images for "happy scale".

 Either my home scale (which has always been exactly 6 pounds less than WW) is off or the WW scale is off, because the WW scale said I lost an additional 2.2 pounds this week.

Part of me is super-psyched. The other part is, whose scale went haywire?


Did WW recalibrate theirs? Certainly nothing changed with my home scale. After jumping up to 145 all week, it went back to 143 both yesterday and this morning, which should have meant WW scale said 149. I almost didn't go because I didn't want to see a gain. (Last week, WW said 148.4)

But somehow or another, the WW scale said today: 146.2!!!

Only .4 pounds and I will reach my 10%. And that doesn't count the 10 pounds I lost before joining!

So, I am much more motivated to stay within points this difficult holiday weekend (not only barbecue on Monday, but going to see Kung Fu Panda 2 tomorrow which must include pretzel bites with cheese!). Def no pizza this weekend, lol.

Sigh...last time this usual 3-nights of pizza per weekend girl had pizza was 2 slices (compared to the normal 4) of rising crust frozen pizza. With that exception, I have not had pizza in 7 weeks. I am dying for REAL, pizzeria, smothered in pepperoni, dripping with grease pizza.

Next weekend, lol. Will work it in points wise, but can't this weekend due the holiday.

Oh well, can't believe I lost. Am fearful next week will show the scale was wrong and I gain back 2 pounds. Really hard to not just let myself truly enjoy because one of the scales was wrong. If next week shows another loss, I'll believe it. And be stoked.

Don't get me wrong, I'm quite happy and this is def the motivation I needed to get through this weekend without binging like the old me. Just wish both scales matched up as they have for the last 8 months. : /

Friday Bait and Switch

As you know, for weeks I've been weighing it at WW on Wednesdays losing numbers like .4, .8, and my worst, .2. So last week, I switched to Friday (since the home scale seems to shows a consistent loss of 1 pound per week) and lost 2 pounds! And now one week later, skipping WW Wednesday, it's Friday and the home scale says I've GAINED.

I feel like ripping my hair out.

I work too hard to see gains. My first thought/desire is to eat the very food I've been depriving myself of because what's the point? This urge is going to be particularly difficult this holiday weekend. It would be so much easier to pass up yummy delights at parties if I were high off a loss.
 
The verdict is not officially i though. I have 2 more hours till weigh-in, need to go to the bathroom, and may work out (which only ONCE worked -- the scale went down 1 1/2 pounds from my morning weight after I worked out, but hey, I can try).

Dissapointments

Didn't go to WW today because of course the scale was up. Hopefully it will be down by Friday, my new weigh-in day.

Watched the season finale of biggest loser. Can't believe they are replacing Jillian with some Maxim twig who's never had a weight problem. Is it turning into the Biggest Anorexic show? I'm so glad that I'd decided when I first found Jillian was leaving that it was my last season.

Tried to run 2 miles under 20 minutes. Failed miserably. 2:03. I need to give up on my goal of running my first 5K race under 30 minutes. :(

Got in fight with husband who doesn't understand my frustration or self-consciousness at all, and tried to cheer me up by saying that's about how fast he ran in 8th grade -- a short, asthmatic kid. Then when I tried to explain why I was upset with BL and how they are (will be) one more voice among the 100's a day that say bones are sexy, curves are fat against his one voice saying curves are sexy, bones are not, his reply was he felt like he was talking to a brick wall and that I should just "tune them out".

Somehow I seriously doubt when (and if) I can ever see my shoulder blades or my spine that he will say I'm too thin or not sexy (unless of course I lose my boobs to get that thin -- that he would notice. Bones? I doubt it.)

PS -- I should note that I was very happy to see Olivia win. I wanted either her or Irene. And was almost in tears to see Jillian's standing ovation! Go Jillian -- I hope you come back. And you will be greatly missed!!!!

Progress Pictures

January 2010 -- 172 Pounds

 

June 2010 -- 162 pounds

September 2010 -- 153 Pounds

January 2011 -- 162 Pounds

(back up again over Christmas holiday -- I'm the 4th girl in the row, this was the first time I ever wore white -- we had to wear either white or red, this is what goodwill had)

 

February 2011 -- 158ish

May 2011 -- 150 Pounds (I'm first / on the far left)

It's very frustrating how round I still look -- it's like there is no tone. Round face, round arms, round midsection (though nice to see the table is hiding it here). Sigh.

I will contemplate posing for a Current Weight photo. I absolutely abhor my photo taken (I actually had to go through friends facebook albums looking for these pics as I untagged myself in all of them but the wedding photo).

New Ticker...@#$%^

So I get a new ticker from a completely different site and it refuses to update. It just keeps saying I've lost 0 pounds.

What gives???

FYI -- The scale went up 3 pounds this morning, so unless it drops down 4, I will not be weighing in tomorrow. Hopefully by Friday it will show a loss, and I will go then. My goal is 146.8, and if so, I will have lost 15 pounds since joining WW and 25 total. :)

I need to have lost 1.6 pounds in order to do so, which would be a pretty big week for me, so probably rather unlikely.

Weight Loss Ticker

Ok, so every other weight loss blog has these cute little tickers that track thier weight, and I go an make one, all excited to add it to my blog, and it looks like crap.

What's the deal???

Lip Plumper Reward

So, with finally being under 150, my reward was one of those expensive lip plumpers that feel tingly and make your lips plump for 4 hours. I've been so excited about this ever since I read about them months ago.

Fortunately, I found out this really expensive makeup store in the mall, Sephora, allows you to test things before you pay out 50 bucks.

Well, my lips tingled...and turned pink...but didn't plump. Not a bit.

SIGH.

So I googled lip augmentation. $300 minimum and the results are temporary. Like up to 3 months, if you're lucky. GRRRRRR!

So now I'm just gonna try and find some really good lipstain with matching lip stain liner and see if I can fake it. My top lip all but disappears when I smile. I really, REALLY wanted sexy, full lips. Very disappointed.

:(

Weight Watchers 5K

So I earned my WW 5K charm today -- woo-hoo!

Very excited. I initially started out with the walkers (since I can't run the whole way) and as I saw these two girls in the lead get farther and farther ahead, I completely regretted it. And so then I decided, maybe, just maybe, exp if they drop down to a walk for bit, I can catch up to them.

So I took off...and caught up with them! I was so psyched. Turns out the one is just starting out jogging so I could actually walk to keep up with them (the other girl does 10 minute mile races but was there to encourage her friend.) So even though I wasn't pushed past any limits, I def got in a medium intensity workout (we completed it in 44.5 minutes).

Yesterday, I went to the same track and did 2.6 (the length of the track) in 26 minutes, so I am really thinking that I could pull of a 5K under 30 minutes even though I have to stop and walk intervals. So I am really considering entering my first race which competes one week from today. :) 

Friday

So I did it -- I woke up with the home scale back down to the previous Friday's week, so I hopped in the car and went to WW (even though I had gone as usual Wednesday and lost only .2). Sure enough, the scale was down 2 more pounds!

I am finally out the 150's! I completely skilled 149, after weeks of just wanting to see 149.9. I am now 148.4. So very cool!

Another Weigh In

So, by Tuesday morning I re-lost the 2 pounds I gained over the weekend at Girl's night, but nothing else, so the WW scale said -.2.

Point 2?!??!?!

Just because I ate my 49 bonus points??? For crying out loud I earned 46 activity points!

So what does my WW leader say. I exercise too much (WW doesn't recommend going over 42). I didn't do 46 on purpose, I would just be motivated to go another 10 minutes or run a bit faster, etc. and it ended up adding up.

So she also suggested I eat more. $%#(&*^#

Do these people not watch biggest loser? I eat the SAME as them and work out for 1 hour, while they work out for 4.

Anyway....naturally the scale goes down a pound and a half THIS MORNING.

I am half tempted to go to a WW meeting tomorrow and weigh in again just to finally see under 150 in my booklet.

This is not the first time my weight has fluctuated JUST on Wednesday mornings. So very frustrating.

Girls' Night Mistake

.8.

Yup. I t seems I will never be under 150. I am now 150.6.

So this week, I've decided to calorie cycle (eat 25 points a day) and aim for 40 activity points earned.

The point of calorie cylcing is to trick the body/metabolism. Basically eat more one day, eat less the next, instead of the exact same every day. Over the weekend, I went to a baby shower and spent the night at a girlfriend's and consumed my 49 bonus points (which was rather disappointing as she played on facebook most of the time and never opened up or girl talked at all, even more disappointing was that that morning the home sale said 143 so WW would have been 149, and 2 mornings later still showed a gain of 5 pounds just from that night, but that's besides the point, so moving on...).

I know some of it will be water gain from the high sodium and abundance of carbs, but still. If it doesn't show 143 by Wednesday (weigh-in day) I am going to be really mad.

However, I am target for my 40 activity points and really pushed myself today, running longer and harder than usual, instead of just jogging. I am feeling quite strong and hope that I start seeing some results on the scale.

1.6

Well, the scale had me lose 1.6. Woopie doo.


While I was there, two other girls who both work out like me (run and weights) shared thier weight loss. One lost 3.8. the other lost 4.5.

I compared what they did, to what I do eating wise and they both eat their bonus 49 points (and some exercise points) neither of which I do. So I decided to try one more week of doing it the “right” way, and went on a date with my husband to TGIF’s where I got the Jack Daniels Chicken Strip app as my meal, split a flat bread spinach app with hubby, had 3 bites of his loaded mashed potatoes, and split a brownie sundae for dessert. Oh, and I had a cosmo.

Saturday morning, the scale was up 2 pounds. This morning, it was still up 2 pounds. If I have a gain on Wednesday, I am going to go berserk. I am at my wits end doing this the “right” way. I keep saying I’m just gonna go VLCD but something convinces me to try one more time the “right” way, and I’m scared to death of gaining it right back (because of whatever reason, water with Atkins, supposedly voracious fat storage with VLCD).

I am getting so frustrated. And on biggest loser they create a calorie deficit in the negative (burn off more than they eat or need to live and more), so how in the world can I possibly not be eating enough to lose weight? How could I let them convince me to eat more and I would lose? If I gained, I will be close to raving, raging mad. Summer is coming. My birthday is coming. And it’s looking like I will never reach goal.

Weigh-in

Well, last Wednesday showed a loss of .4 pounds.

After 3 weeks of running my butt off and eating right and not losing, this would have been followed by a week of eating all the foods I've deprived myself of and not exercising a bit.

But I had taken my food journal into Weight Watchers with me, and stayed after the meeting to talk to the leader. She suggested that I stop drinking a 3rd of my points -- 2 EAS low-carb, protein shakes (3 points each) and 2 cups of sugar-free coffee at night for dessert (5 points) and eat those points instead.

So I mustered all of my waning self-discipline and motivation and did just what she said. For breakfast and lunch, I ate string cheese and chicken salad and for dessert I had 1 or 2 1-point no sugar added fudgsicles. Over the weekend I dipped into my points allowance (used 8 of my 49) and treated myself to WW desserts (peanut butter cup sundae, praline turtle sundae, and  chocolate chip cookie dough sundae -- 4 points each).

I ate a salad almost every weekday, watched my sodium intake, and drank more than the required water.

I also earned myself 33 exercise points which I did not eat. (Jog/power walked 15.5 miles, and an accumulated 1 hour 45 minutes medium-intensity step aerobics which I do in chunks).

My home scale (which is approx 6 pounds less than Weight Watchers) says I lost 1 pound, maybe 2. It's hard to tell as it's not digital. Last week, I weighed in at 153. After 4 weeks of not losing, I was really hoping to see 149.9 today, hoping that my body adjusted and dropped a big number.

If I only lost 1 pound, I will be extremely discouraged. I am so far behind from reaching my goal of 133 by my 33rd birthday, it's not even funny.  I will probably have to readjust my goal to be 33 on my home scale, which will put me under 140, something I've not been in 12 years, and even then only maintained for a few months (moved and stopped dieting).

And I haven't decided if I will cut my eating points or eat more of my points allowance. Eat more? Eat less? I'm honestly not sure at this point. I do know that I have almost no motivation to keep pushing myself physically anymore if I don't start seeing the pounds go down.

I don't understand why this is so difficult. I'm finally motivated and in the right place mentally to actually achieve and maintain my goal, and now body refuses to cooperate. :(

PS -- I will try to remember to post my weight when I get back from weight watchers. Depending if I have to go to work right after, it may be in 2 hours of 7. Wish me luck.

My husband is awesome!

So the other day when I was looking at bathing suits, i pointed out a few tankini's to my husband in the hopes that he liked them (he'd not known what they were). And I wanted to be sure he found them sexy and didn't like only bikini's since I can't wear one pre-surgery.

Anyway, as I was browsing through pages of google tankini images, I'd occasionally ask him about one and from time to time he'd occasionally glance over at what I was doing. On one of these times, he said, wait -- go back to that girl second from the bottom (the above picture).

He then said, "I know she's probably considered a plus-size model, but she has a prettier body than all those stick figures." I pointed out the diagonal line of skin from her hips to inner thigh coming out of the pantie and said "you don't mind that?" He said, "She has shape -- she has a waist, she has hips. Shape is beautiful."

He's awesome!

It's nice to have a guy who doesn't want you so thin that you have to sacrifice boobs for thinner thighs.

Swim Suit Motivation

So the other day, I was getting ready to shoot a wedding, and instead of the regular black vest I usually wear over my white button down shirt, I decided on a more flowy vest with no buttons which I tied in a knot under my boobs. Turns out, it was absolutely adorable. And my first thought was -- wow, this would make an awesome bathing suit cover.

Now, I usually wear a tankini -- with a skirt like above, but with a full shirt-like top. But now that I'm not single, I'd like to eye-candy for my husband if and when we're at the beach or pool rather than be all covered up and every other girl be eye-candy.

So, the problem is, even if I were to reach my goal weight (133 by 33), I can't wear a bikini because of my stomach. I had my son when I was 19, he was on the bigger side and 2 weeks late. I have a saggy, wrinkly, stretched out lower abs (I can't wear low rise jeans, sexy panties, etc), and a deformed belly button (it basically looks like a vertical line surrounded by stretch marks). I've wanted plastic surgery since 19 but alas, I am a poor girl. I had hoped to get it by 30th birthday, but faced foreclosure instead. And now, my goal is in time for next summer, while I still look young enough to pull off a bikini and low-rise jeans.

But anyway, I digress....

So I have to wear a tankini bottom or a bikini bottom that sits at or above my belly button. I really like the idea of a flowy skirt above (which she is obviously wearing very low, but I have a short torso and they've always sat at the right spot on belly button) with a bikini top. And paired with my black vest, I think that regardless of whether I make it to my goal weight (133) or my consolation weight (139), I can see myself walking on the beach with confidence.

Here's hoping!

Weight Watchers Wednesday

So the starvation mode experiment post was written over a week ago, but only published Monday. That being said, my weight dropped approx 5 pounds in a week, then went up 3 a few days later overnight...the morning of which I was super excited to attend my first weight watchers meeting since before Christmas. (I'd gained and wanted to resume once I'd shed the holiday fat.)

Much discouragement as I wanted to see the scale say 149.9 and all it said was 153.4. A loss of .4 since my last meeting. So i then engaged in a two-day internal debate as to should I continue on starvation mode or should I try to eat my points (and do weight watchers right), and studied how to break thru plateaus, which includes dropping your calories by 100 or 200 which I couldn't do if I was already only at 750.

I therefore came to the conclusion to do my points (29) for a week, keep my cardio the same (around 3 miles a day, some days more, plus light strength training), and see if I drop. My meeting is tomorow. I am hoping for 149.9. I will be terribly dissapointed if I only get 151.4 only becuase that is what last week's weight was Tuesday Morning. (Wednesday I woke up and was up two pounds!). So I would like to hope that it was somehow water weight I've kept on for the entire week and have lost an additional 2 pounds.

Hey, I can hope.

If I am still 153 (which the scale said this morning and every morning this week, well, actually it's said 147 but it is 6 pounds off from Weight Watchers), I am going back to starvation mode. And that experiment will resume. If I weigh in at 149.9, I will stick with the points.

One thing I am excited about is I'm going to buy the Weight Watchers Pedometer which counts your points, becuase I am hoping I am underestimating my energy. We shall see.

Cross your fingers for me. I weigh in at 9:45 tomorrow morning.

Experiment: Starvation Mode -- Fact or Fiction?

So we've all heard of starvation mode. Oh, you're not losing? You must be eating to little. Eat more and you'll lose weight. Um....

So I did a little research. It turns out that the term starvation mode comes from a Minnosota study of NORMAL weight males who ate 50% of their bodies' required calories. They lost almost all their fat, and looked like anorexics or concentration camp victims. Their metabolism started to slow, and their bodies started using muscle for energy. A bad thing, as that will eventually lead to burning your heart muscle, further metabolism slowing, and eventually death.

But, and this is a big but.....all these things started happening when they ran out of fat stores, which they didn't have much of to begin with because they were at normal/healthy levels to begin with.

This is why obese people who go on VLCD (very low calorie diets, think medifast) lose a bunch of fat. Your body's FIRST choice of fuel when food is not available is the existing fat stores -- that's why the body stored it if it was given excess.

So, I am neither normal weight or obese. I have about 20 - 30 pounds of fat to lose. (I'm not sure whether 20 will give me the look I am for. I would like to see some bones. Not sticking out or anything, but it would be nice to see my clavicle, shoulder blades,  etc -- you know, definition, rather than flat expanses of flesh with no definition.)

So I've decided to eat around 700 - 800 calories a day. GASP!!! Not under the mandatory 1200 they say you must NEVER go under!

Yea. Under 1200.

And it's low fat. And it's low carb.

Oh no!!! Not low carb AND low fat? If you eat low carb you have to eat full fat!

Uh huh. And this is why we continue to get bigger as a nation, not slimmer.

Do you realize "they" don't want us to lose weight? If we did, "they" would be out of business and not raking in the billions that the weight loss industry generates.

So anyway, yes, I am doing an experiment. I want to see if I lose. I want to see how fast. I want to see if I'm tired. If I'm hungry. If my hair starts falling out. If all these horrible things happen to me, or if I just reach my goal weight for the first time in my life.

I'm also going to continue exercising. My goal is to burn 300 -- 700 calories a day. 300 would be my normal 3 miles. 700 would be to simulate not eating anything at all. (700 calories eaten, 700 calories consumed.) I am curious to see what the scale says after my body has to use 100% stored fat as energy for the day. (Yes, I get on the scale every morning, another diet "no-no".)

I want to challenge the rules. I want to see if they are myths. I do not want to jepordize my health, but I am curious. If the body turns to stored fat first, and only turns to muscle AFTER that is used up, then I have nothing to lose....except the weight. :)

I've done Atkins for the last 3 months. Even on the weekends that I kept my carbs under 80 (to stay in Ketosis, I was doing under 20 for the week), my weight would go up 6 - 8 pounds by Monday morning, and all I lost was the same water weight I had lost the previous week. (Carbs retain water).

So....I'm now eating around 40-60 grams of carbs all week/weekend and my weight isn't fluctuating as much (only about 2-3 pounds). And by the following Friday, I am actually seeing a loss from the previous Friday.

If my metabolism slows, I will (should notice). It will manifest in fatigue. I shouldn't be able to maintain my workouts, I will feel dizzy etc. However, if I don't feel any of these things, I can only assume it's not slowing, and that my body is using its stored fat. Which is precisely what I want it to do.

And by the way, I lost 5 pounds Friday morning, weighing in on home scale at 145. And that was after 3 months of the scale not budging below 150. And I ate carbs -- so it's NOT water weight. I don't expect to lose 5 pounds each week. My goal is 2. If I lose 3, I'll be a "starvation mode" dieter supporter for life. I don't consistently lose 2 pounds each week. I've dieted EVERY year of my life for the last 19 years. I've never actually tried "starving". I've done everything, Atkins, Slim Fast, Low-Fat, High-Carb, etc., etc., etc. But except for the occasional 1000 calorie, and the occasional I'm-so-fat-and-disgusting-looking-I'm-not-going-to-eat-anything-500-calorie-a-day week every few years, I've rarely went below the prescribed 1200.

I will continue reporting my weight loss (or slow/stop/gain) here, so I can be your Guinea pig if you'd like. I will report on any fatigue, dizziness, lack of ability to exercise, etc. And if there are any adverse effects, obviously I will just go back to eating my full points (29 -- Weight Watchers) and use exercise to reach my goal -- the only way I ever consistently lose weight -- roughly 1 - 2 pounds a week. Yes, I know, the "healthy" way.

Hey, it "they" are right, I'll be the first to say so. But dropping below 1200 calories for a few weeks to find out isn't gonna kill me! 
 

Rewards

And they're actually not food rewards!

I'm very encouraged that I'm actually starting this year's weight loss journey around my normal "low" weight of 150, instead of my normal "high" weight of 162 (highest is 175), so I've half a chance at actually reaching my goal this summer!

I've got short term goals, medium term goals, and the main goal -- to be 133 by my 33rd birthday (7/1).

33 @ 33.

I just keep telling myself that.

Short term goals -- lose weight each week, hopefully at least 2 pounds, will be content with 1.

Medium term goals -- every 6 pounds till goal with non-food rewards.

Home scale weight / Weight Watchers scale weight

141/147-- Lip Injection Plumper -- gives you a sexy pout for up to 4 hours. (This will live in purse and be reapplied every 4 hours, lol.)

135/141 -- Eyelash Perm -- Only $45 and lasts 3 months! (My eyelashes grow straight down and though I curl them, it doesn't last for the whole day.)

129-135 -- Hair -- My hair is very long and straight with a hippie type wave in it. It naturally falls flat against my head, parting down the middle. I HATE that. I look so stupid. I'm always "fixing" it, trying to make it part on the side (where it looks pretty/sexy).  I like STRAIGHT hair, perfectly straight, no wave, no frizz or flyaways. My hair ONLY does that after the salon blow dries it straight. I try to straighten out the waves, but too much maintenance and is frying the ends. Hubby likes soft loose waves. Sigh. After much deliberation, I am going to get a loose body perm. I'm going to have the stylist part my hair on the side and literally perm my hair up to the roots so it will "naturally" fall that way.

123/129 -- Wardrobe Shopping Spree. I dress like crap. Something about not liking how I look, I constantly throw on my hubby (or son's) clothes, look like a baggy, shapeless slop, and always feel weird when I actually try and dress up....though I've always LOVED the latest fashions. I stare at girls at the mall all dressed fashionably and think, as soon as I'm thin, as soon as I'm thin. That's been going on for 19 years.

[Please Note: 129 is my final goal IF realistic. I've never been lower than 138. I've only been 138 as an adult once for about 2 months about a year AFTER my son was born. I have another goal/reward chart that gives me the above rewards with a goal of 138 if that is all I can reach, but that's only if the weight loss is so slow in the 140's (1/2 pound a week) that it's obvious I'm never gonna get below the the 130's.

I wasn't at goal when I was 138, I know everyone told me I looked great, but I remember not liking my things, which run heavy on my mother's side. So am not sure if it's a realistic goal weight or if I should try to lose a bit more. It will depend on how difficult it is to get there whether I keep going.]

Pizza Addict

Ahhhhhh!

Ok, pizza has been my fav food since I was 14.

It was ALWAYS cheese pizza. Somehow, just last year, hubby got me onto pepperoni pizza. So now I can't eat plain pizza, it tastes like some thing's missing. I would rather skip the calories if just plain, then eat pepperoni-less pizza.

So every Friday night (which turned into every Friday AND Saturday night) is pizza and a movie night. We are broke, and so Little Caesar's is our pizza of choice. So then one time, hubby decides to get some bread sticks (which are just ok to me) like he does every now and then and eats with the marinara sauce. But then he decides to try the jalapeno sauce.

Oh my gosh!!!!!!

I've something else to be addicted to. Not only do I eat my half of pizza (4 slices), but now I eat half an order of bread sticks dipped in sauce, pizza crust dipped in sauce, sauce right out of the little tub....

After a few weekends, I know this is wreaking havoc on my already futile diet. So, I realize I am now craving the jalapeno sauce more than pizza. So then I eat quarter of pizza and half bread sticks. No weight loss. So then I eat only bread sticks (an entire package). No weight loss.

So, on April 8th, son leaves for usual every-other-weekend with his father, and I realize that for next 5 weekends he has plans -- dad's, spring break with cousins out of state, dad's, camping with cousins, dad's. Hubby is not the pizza addict. I have 5 straight weekends where no pizza is feasible.

So --first weekend, I make stromboli with lean ground beef and 2% mozz and low sugar spaghetti sauce in low carb tortilla thingy. Next night, I make sloppy joe, open faced, on low carb sandwich thins.

Then we hungry sometime Sunday. We'd already eaten dinner. And I realize there is one container of Little Caesars jalapeno sauce left from the previous weekend. And then I get an idea.

Jalapeno Cheddar quesadias.

Carb balance tortilla, sprayed with olive oil and dusted with garlic powder. Half tub of cheese spread, then 1/4 cup mozz cheeze. Then covered with another tortilla, also sprayed and dusted. Then grilled in frying pan, then cut into triangles and dipped in remainder of jalapeno sauce.

450 calories. Approx 20 grams fat. And out of this world delicious and satisfies my craving for that jalapeno sauce!


This from the girl who consumed 80 grams fat just on Friday pizza/bread stick night alone, not to mention whatever yummy deliciousness was for dessert. The calories were probably in the 2000, if not 3000 for the whole day. And I did it atleast 2 days, if not 3. Evey week.

Anyway, point is, I've found my substitute for pizza. This past weekend was the first to eat if Friday, Saturday, and Sunday for dessert. It is delicious, and I'm super excited. It solidifies in my mind that I can and I will make it 5 straight weekends without pizza.

So my goal for the weekends is to be the same weight Monday morning as I was Friday morning, and know that my walk/jog Monday is for that week's goal.



Will I be able to eat only that while son and hubby eat pizza after that? I don't know. But my focus right now is on the next 5 weeks, and tyring to jumpstart my weight loss and lose as much as possible in that time frame. And then take it from there. What I will tell you is, it will only be Friday night pizza when my sons returns. If I treat myself Friday, so be it. But it's quesadiilas for me after that, and I'll cook them up something yummy but non-pizza sat and sun.

Weekend Binge Eating

Add about 25 pounds (and brown hair) plus 3 more slices, an order of crazy bread with jalepeno cheddar sauce and that would be a picture of me Friday night and Saturday night and sometimes even Sunday night as well.

And since weekends are "treat days" from the diet, throw in all manner of high fat fare for breakfast, lunch, and dinner Saturday and Sunday...french fries (loaded), sandwhich melts (toasted with cheeses, bacon, and beef), milkshakes, etc.

Now, when I was younger, I could still lose 2 pounds a week doing this. But the last few years, my weight has not really moved much (unless I jog 3+ miles daily) and even then it's so slow that I get discouraged and give up.

My weekend eating is very emotional. I eat to celebrate / feel good (date with hubby, pizza and movie w/ the fam, etc.). I eat for stress, when I'm down, when I feel discouraged. There's also this thing that kicks into gear for the weekend, that you'd think basically says: Monday you are going back on your diet, so eat everything you possibly can between now and then, because who knows when you can eat anything sweet again (um...that would only be 5 days away).

I've struggled with this mentality since my teen years, but even more over the last few years where I assume age is making it impossible to lose weight and continue this way.

For the past several months, I've tried so hard to satisfy my urge/craving/desire for pizza and still stick to my diet. First I would make my own pizza on low carb thins rolls -- did not taste like pizza, so needless to say didn't work. Then I would try to only eat the top of the pizza (hey, if I don't eat the crust I'm still on Atkins, right?), didn't work. I'd always end up eating atleast one person's crust (hubby and son still eating regular pizza in front of me) and then start craving carbs soooooo badly. I tried eating less pizza (only 2 slices instead of four) and eating it sooooooo slowly to let it last. Still wasn't working.

If I ate pizza I showed a gain.

Every friday morning for last few months my weight hoovered around 150. Every monday morning, my weight hoovered around 155-158). Week in, week out.

One of the reasons I sat in my car for 2 hours instead of using that time in the gym was because I knew my weight wouldn't go anywhere without getting my weekend eating under control. And since I HATE cardio, I was not going to waste my time.    

I am pizza addict. I live for the weekends just to eat pizza.

I haven't had pizza in over 2 weeks/weekends!

How?

I'll tell you tomorrow! :)

Back in the Game

Summer's coming and I've finally got over this emotional hump that actually had me parked outside the gym either sleeping or reading in my car for 2 hours. (I've 2 hours between dropping my son off at school and before work....home is a 30 mile commute so that wasn't an option). The gym (Bally's), my work, and my son's school are all on different corners of the same intersection.

Why did I just sit in my car? That's hard to explain. One, the pop music videos on the line of TV's above the treadmills and ellipticals. I find them very discouraging as I feel (with 20-30 pounds to lose) too far from my goal and as I may as well give up. And two, I hate exercising indoors. If I'm gonna walk/jog/run, I want to be outside, feeling my feet pump the pavement, feeling the wind in my face, feel like I'm actually going somewhere, rather than staying in one place.

So I kept telling myself (all Jan, Feb, & Mar) that as soon as the weather got warmer, I would work out at the track down the street. (5 miles around = 1 mile. Last year I would do 10 or 15 laps.) I kept telling myself this, while a part of me was like, no you won't....you'll sit here in your car and say it's too hot, or you're tired, or you'll never get thin anyway....

But amazing, I started. The very first day it wasn't freezing! And I've been there every work/school day since. Sometimes I've walked/jogged there for 3 miles, and then after work stopped by my local gym (Planet Fitness), where my son works out with me (age 13).

There's also a paved 2.6 mile track up the street from my house (which I've gone too after work, even if I went to the other track. Somedays I've even done all three -- track, gym, other track). And I figured out that 2x around my complex equals alittle over a mile, so I've done that too.

Don't know if I'm making up for lost time or what, but I've been at this since the last week in March. And going strong.

If you think that's a miracle....wait to hear about my eating habits tomorrow!