My husband is awesome!

So the other day when I was looking at bathing suits, i pointed out a few tankini's to my husband in the hopes that he liked them (he'd not known what they were). And I wanted to be sure he found them sexy and didn't like only bikini's since I can't wear one pre-surgery.

Anyway, as I was browsing through pages of google tankini images, I'd occasionally ask him about one and from time to time he'd occasionally glance over at what I was doing. On one of these times, he said, wait -- go back to that girl second from the bottom (the above picture).

He then said, "I know she's probably considered a plus-size model, but she has a prettier body than all those stick figures." I pointed out the diagonal line of skin from her hips to inner thigh coming out of the pantie and said "you don't mind that?" He said, "She has shape -- she has a waist, she has hips. Shape is beautiful."

He's awesome!

It's nice to have a guy who doesn't want you so thin that you have to sacrifice boobs for thinner thighs.

Swim Suit Motivation

So the other day, I was getting ready to shoot a wedding, and instead of the regular black vest I usually wear over my white button down shirt, I decided on a more flowy vest with no buttons which I tied in a knot under my boobs. Turns out, it was absolutely adorable. And my first thought was -- wow, this would make an awesome bathing suit cover.

Now, I usually wear a tankini -- with a skirt like above, but with a full shirt-like top. But now that I'm not single, I'd like to eye-candy for my husband if and when we're at the beach or pool rather than be all covered up and every other girl be eye-candy.

So, the problem is, even if I were to reach my goal weight (133 by 33), I can't wear a bikini because of my stomach. I had my son when I was 19, he was on the bigger side and 2 weeks late. I have a saggy, wrinkly, stretched out lower abs (I can't wear low rise jeans, sexy panties, etc), and a deformed belly button (it basically looks like a vertical line surrounded by stretch marks). I've wanted plastic surgery since 19 but alas, I am a poor girl. I had hoped to get it by 30th birthday, but faced foreclosure instead. And now, my goal is in time for next summer, while I still look young enough to pull off a bikini and low-rise jeans.

But anyway, I digress....

So I have to wear a tankini bottom or a bikini bottom that sits at or above my belly button. I really like the idea of a flowy skirt above (which she is obviously wearing very low, but I have a short torso and they've always sat at the right spot on belly button) with a bikini top. And paired with my black vest, I think that regardless of whether I make it to my goal weight (133) or my consolation weight (139), I can see myself walking on the beach with confidence.

Here's hoping!

Weight Watchers Wednesday

So the starvation mode experiment post was written over a week ago, but only published Monday. That being said, my weight dropped approx 5 pounds in a week, then went up 3 a few days later overnight...the morning of which I was super excited to attend my first weight watchers meeting since before Christmas. (I'd gained and wanted to resume once I'd shed the holiday fat.)

Much discouragement as I wanted to see the scale say 149.9 and all it said was 153.4. A loss of .4 since my last meeting. So i then engaged in a two-day internal debate as to should I continue on starvation mode or should I try to eat my points (and do weight watchers right), and studied how to break thru plateaus, which includes dropping your calories by 100 or 200 which I couldn't do if I was already only at 750.

I therefore came to the conclusion to do my points (29) for a week, keep my cardio the same (around 3 miles a day, some days more, plus light strength training), and see if I drop. My meeting is tomorow. I am hoping for 149.9. I will be terribly dissapointed if I only get 151.4 only becuase that is what last week's weight was Tuesday Morning. (Wednesday I woke up and was up two pounds!). So I would like to hope that it was somehow water weight I've kept on for the entire week and have lost an additional 2 pounds.

Hey, I can hope.

If I am still 153 (which the scale said this morning and every morning this week, well, actually it's said 147 but it is 6 pounds off from Weight Watchers), I am going back to starvation mode. And that experiment will resume. If I weigh in at 149.9, I will stick with the points.

One thing I am excited about is I'm going to buy the Weight Watchers Pedometer which counts your points, becuase I am hoping I am underestimating my energy. We shall see.

Cross your fingers for me. I weigh in at 9:45 tomorrow morning.

Experiment: Starvation Mode -- Fact or Fiction?

So we've all heard of starvation mode. Oh, you're not losing? You must be eating to little. Eat more and you'll lose weight. Um....

So I did a little research. It turns out that the term starvation mode comes from a Minnosota study of NORMAL weight males who ate 50% of their bodies' required calories. They lost almost all their fat, and looked like anorexics or concentration camp victims. Their metabolism started to slow, and their bodies started using muscle for energy. A bad thing, as that will eventually lead to burning your heart muscle, further metabolism slowing, and eventually death.

But, and this is a big but.....all these things started happening when they ran out of fat stores, which they didn't have much of to begin with because they were at normal/healthy levels to begin with.

This is why obese people who go on VLCD (very low calorie diets, think medifast) lose a bunch of fat. Your body's FIRST choice of fuel when food is not available is the existing fat stores -- that's why the body stored it if it was given excess.

So, I am neither normal weight or obese. I have about 20 - 30 pounds of fat to lose. (I'm not sure whether 20 will give me the look I am for. I would like to see some bones. Not sticking out or anything, but it would be nice to see my clavicle, shoulder blades,  etc -- you know, definition, rather than flat expanses of flesh with no definition.)

So I've decided to eat around 700 - 800 calories a day. GASP!!! Not under the mandatory 1200 they say you must NEVER go under!

Yea. Under 1200.

And it's low fat. And it's low carb.

Oh no!!! Not low carb AND low fat? If you eat low carb you have to eat full fat!

Uh huh. And this is why we continue to get bigger as a nation, not slimmer.

Do you realize "they" don't want us to lose weight? If we did, "they" would be out of business and not raking in the billions that the weight loss industry generates.

So anyway, yes, I am doing an experiment. I want to see if I lose. I want to see how fast. I want to see if I'm tired. If I'm hungry. If my hair starts falling out. If all these horrible things happen to me, or if I just reach my goal weight for the first time in my life.

I'm also going to continue exercising. My goal is to burn 300 -- 700 calories a day. 300 would be my normal 3 miles. 700 would be to simulate not eating anything at all. (700 calories eaten, 700 calories consumed.) I am curious to see what the scale says after my body has to use 100% stored fat as energy for the day. (Yes, I get on the scale every morning, another diet "no-no".)

I want to challenge the rules. I want to see if they are myths. I do not want to jepordize my health, but I am curious. If the body turns to stored fat first, and only turns to muscle AFTER that is used up, then I have nothing to lose....except the weight. :)

I've done Atkins for the last 3 months. Even on the weekends that I kept my carbs under 80 (to stay in Ketosis, I was doing under 20 for the week), my weight would go up 6 - 8 pounds by Monday morning, and all I lost was the same water weight I had lost the previous week. (Carbs retain water).

So....I'm now eating around 40-60 grams of carbs all week/weekend and my weight isn't fluctuating as much (only about 2-3 pounds). And by the following Friday, I am actually seeing a loss from the previous Friday.

If my metabolism slows, I will (should notice). It will manifest in fatigue. I shouldn't be able to maintain my workouts, I will feel dizzy etc. However, if I don't feel any of these things, I can only assume it's not slowing, and that my body is using its stored fat. Which is precisely what I want it to do.

And by the way, I lost 5 pounds Friday morning, weighing in on home scale at 145. And that was after 3 months of the scale not budging below 150. And I ate carbs -- so it's NOT water weight. I don't expect to lose 5 pounds each week. My goal is 2. If I lose 3, I'll be a "starvation mode" dieter supporter for life. I don't consistently lose 2 pounds each week. I've dieted EVERY year of my life for the last 19 years. I've never actually tried "starving". I've done everything, Atkins, Slim Fast, Low-Fat, High-Carb, etc., etc., etc. But except for the occasional 1000 calorie, and the occasional I'm-so-fat-and-disgusting-looking-I'm-not-going-to-eat-anything-500-calorie-a-day week every few years, I've rarely went below the prescribed 1200.

I will continue reporting my weight loss (or slow/stop/gain) here, so I can be your Guinea pig if you'd like. I will report on any fatigue, dizziness, lack of ability to exercise, etc. And if there are any adverse effects, obviously I will just go back to eating my full points (29 -- Weight Watchers) and use exercise to reach my goal -- the only way I ever consistently lose weight -- roughly 1 - 2 pounds a week. Yes, I know, the "healthy" way.

Hey, it "they" are right, I'll be the first to say so. But dropping below 1200 calories for a few weeks to find out isn't gonna kill me! 
 

Rewards

And they're actually not food rewards!

I'm very encouraged that I'm actually starting this year's weight loss journey around my normal "low" weight of 150, instead of my normal "high" weight of 162 (highest is 175), so I've half a chance at actually reaching my goal this summer!

I've got short term goals, medium term goals, and the main goal -- to be 133 by my 33rd birthday (7/1).

33 @ 33.

I just keep telling myself that.

Short term goals -- lose weight each week, hopefully at least 2 pounds, will be content with 1.

Medium term goals -- every 6 pounds till goal with non-food rewards.

Home scale weight / Weight Watchers scale weight

141/147-- Lip Injection Plumper -- gives you a sexy pout for up to 4 hours. (This will live in purse and be reapplied every 4 hours, lol.)

135/141 -- Eyelash Perm -- Only $45 and lasts 3 months! (My eyelashes grow straight down and though I curl them, it doesn't last for the whole day.)

129-135 -- Hair -- My hair is very long and straight with a hippie type wave in it. It naturally falls flat against my head, parting down the middle. I HATE that. I look so stupid. I'm always "fixing" it, trying to make it part on the side (where it looks pretty/sexy).  I like STRAIGHT hair, perfectly straight, no wave, no frizz or flyaways. My hair ONLY does that after the salon blow dries it straight. I try to straighten out the waves, but too much maintenance and is frying the ends. Hubby likes soft loose waves. Sigh. After much deliberation, I am going to get a loose body perm. I'm going to have the stylist part my hair on the side and literally perm my hair up to the roots so it will "naturally" fall that way.

123/129 -- Wardrobe Shopping Spree. I dress like crap. Something about not liking how I look, I constantly throw on my hubby (or son's) clothes, look like a baggy, shapeless slop, and always feel weird when I actually try and dress up....though I've always LOVED the latest fashions. I stare at girls at the mall all dressed fashionably and think, as soon as I'm thin, as soon as I'm thin. That's been going on for 19 years.

[Please Note: 129 is my final goal IF realistic. I've never been lower than 138. I've only been 138 as an adult once for about 2 months about a year AFTER my son was born. I have another goal/reward chart that gives me the above rewards with a goal of 138 if that is all I can reach, but that's only if the weight loss is so slow in the 140's (1/2 pound a week) that it's obvious I'm never gonna get below the the 130's.

I wasn't at goal when I was 138, I know everyone told me I looked great, but I remember not liking my things, which run heavy on my mother's side. So am not sure if it's a realistic goal weight or if I should try to lose a bit more. It will depend on how difficult it is to get there whether I keep going.]

Pizza Addict

Ahhhhhh!

Ok, pizza has been my fav food since I was 14.

It was ALWAYS cheese pizza. Somehow, just last year, hubby got me onto pepperoni pizza. So now I can't eat plain pizza, it tastes like some thing's missing. I would rather skip the calories if just plain, then eat pepperoni-less pizza.

So every Friday night (which turned into every Friday AND Saturday night) is pizza and a movie night. We are broke, and so Little Caesar's is our pizza of choice. So then one time, hubby decides to get some bread sticks (which are just ok to me) like he does every now and then and eats with the marinara sauce. But then he decides to try the jalapeno sauce.

Oh my gosh!!!!!!

I've something else to be addicted to. Not only do I eat my half of pizza (4 slices), but now I eat half an order of bread sticks dipped in sauce, pizza crust dipped in sauce, sauce right out of the little tub....

After a few weekends, I know this is wreaking havoc on my already futile diet. So, I realize I am now craving the jalapeno sauce more than pizza. So then I eat quarter of pizza and half bread sticks. No weight loss. So then I eat only bread sticks (an entire package). No weight loss.

So, on April 8th, son leaves for usual every-other-weekend with his father, and I realize that for next 5 weekends he has plans -- dad's, spring break with cousins out of state, dad's, camping with cousins, dad's. Hubby is not the pizza addict. I have 5 straight weekends where no pizza is feasible.

So --first weekend, I make stromboli with lean ground beef and 2% mozz and low sugar spaghetti sauce in low carb tortilla thingy. Next night, I make sloppy joe, open faced, on low carb sandwich thins.

Then we hungry sometime Sunday. We'd already eaten dinner. And I realize there is one container of Little Caesars jalapeno sauce left from the previous weekend. And then I get an idea.

Jalapeno Cheddar quesadias.

Carb balance tortilla, sprayed with olive oil and dusted with garlic powder. Half tub of cheese spread, then 1/4 cup mozz cheeze. Then covered with another tortilla, also sprayed and dusted. Then grilled in frying pan, then cut into triangles and dipped in remainder of jalapeno sauce.

450 calories. Approx 20 grams fat. And out of this world delicious and satisfies my craving for that jalapeno sauce!


This from the girl who consumed 80 grams fat just on Friday pizza/bread stick night alone, not to mention whatever yummy deliciousness was for dessert. The calories were probably in the 2000, if not 3000 for the whole day. And I did it atleast 2 days, if not 3. Evey week.

Anyway, point is, I've found my substitute for pizza. This past weekend was the first to eat if Friday, Saturday, and Sunday for dessert. It is delicious, and I'm super excited. It solidifies in my mind that I can and I will make it 5 straight weekends without pizza.

So my goal for the weekends is to be the same weight Monday morning as I was Friday morning, and know that my walk/jog Monday is for that week's goal.



Will I be able to eat only that while son and hubby eat pizza after that? I don't know. But my focus right now is on the next 5 weeks, and tyring to jumpstart my weight loss and lose as much as possible in that time frame. And then take it from there. What I will tell you is, it will only be Friday night pizza when my sons returns. If I treat myself Friday, so be it. But it's quesadiilas for me after that, and I'll cook them up something yummy but non-pizza sat and sun.

Weekend Binge Eating

Add about 25 pounds (and brown hair) plus 3 more slices, an order of crazy bread with jalepeno cheddar sauce and that would be a picture of me Friday night and Saturday night and sometimes even Sunday night as well.

And since weekends are "treat days" from the diet, throw in all manner of high fat fare for breakfast, lunch, and dinner Saturday and Sunday...french fries (loaded), sandwhich melts (toasted with cheeses, bacon, and beef), milkshakes, etc.

Now, when I was younger, I could still lose 2 pounds a week doing this. But the last few years, my weight has not really moved much (unless I jog 3+ miles daily) and even then it's so slow that I get discouraged and give up.

My weekend eating is very emotional. I eat to celebrate / feel good (date with hubby, pizza and movie w/ the fam, etc.). I eat for stress, when I'm down, when I feel discouraged. There's also this thing that kicks into gear for the weekend, that you'd think basically says: Monday you are going back on your diet, so eat everything you possibly can between now and then, because who knows when you can eat anything sweet again (um...that would only be 5 days away).

I've struggled with this mentality since my teen years, but even more over the last few years where I assume age is making it impossible to lose weight and continue this way.

For the past several months, I've tried so hard to satisfy my urge/craving/desire for pizza and still stick to my diet. First I would make my own pizza on low carb thins rolls -- did not taste like pizza, so needless to say didn't work. Then I would try to only eat the top of the pizza (hey, if I don't eat the crust I'm still on Atkins, right?), didn't work. I'd always end up eating atleast one person's crust (hubby and son still eating regular pizza in front of me) and then start craving carbs soooooo badly. I tried eating less pizza (only 2 slices instead of four) and eating it sooooooo slowly to let it last. Still wasn't working.

If I ate pizza I showed a gain.

Every friday morning for last few months my weight hoovered around 150. Every monday morning, my weight hoovered around 155-158). Week in, week out.

One of the reasons I sat in my car for 2 hours instead of using that time in the gym was because I knew my weight wouldn't go anywhere without getting my weekend eating under control. And since I HATE cardio, I was not going to waste my time.    

I am pizza addict. I live for the weekends just to eat pizza.

I haven't had pizza in over 2 weeks/weekends!

How?

I'll tell you tomorrow! :)

Back in the Game

Summer's coming and I've finally got over this emotional hump that actually had me parked outside the gym either sleeping or reading in my car for 2 hours. (I've 2 hours between dropping my son off at school and before work....home is a 30 mile commute so that wasn't an option). The gym (Bally's), my work, and my son's school are all on different corners of the same intersection.

Why did I just sit in my car? That's hard to explain. One, the pop music videos on the line of TV's above the treadmills and ellipticals. I find them very discouraging as I feel (with 20-30 pounds to lose) too far from my goal and as I may as well give up. And two, I hate exercising indoors. If I'm gonna walk/jog/run, I want to be outside, feeling my feet pump the pavement, feeling the wind in my face, feel like I'm actually going somewhere, rather than staying in one place.

So I kept telling myself (all Jan, Feb, & Mar) that as soon as the weather got warmer, I would work out at the track down the street. (5 miles around = 1 mile. Last year I would do 10 or 15 laps.) I kept telling myself this, while a part of me was like, no you won't....you'll sit here in your car and say it's too hot, or you're tired, or you'll never get thin anyway....

But amazing, I started. The very first day it wasn't freezing! And I've been there every work/school day since. Sometimes I've walked/jogged there for 3 miles, and then after work stopped by my local gym (Planet Fitness), where my son works out with me (age 13).

There's also a paved 2.6 mile track up the street from my house (which I've gone too after work, even if I went to the other track. Somedays I've even done all three -- track, gym, other track). And I figured out that 2x around my complex equals alittle over a mile, so I've done that too.

Don't know if I'm making up for lost time or what, but I've been at this since the last week in March. And going strong.

If you think that's a miracle....wait to hear about my eating habits tomorrow!