Color

If anyone visits this blog, they will notice a new design. One that actually has color.

I just spent the last several hours designing it in all monochromatic pink. When I was finally done, I realized that while it was pretty, it was incredibly boring.

I've been reading style books (again) trying to figure out how to dress like a girl without looking ridiculous, fake, or too over the top. My mom was not a girly-girl by any means. No makeup, no jewelry, just jeans and sweatshirts (or T-shirts). That's basically how I dress. Baggy. Just like my mom. I end up looking sloppy and fat, but most times, I don't know what else to wear, because fitted = rolls.

The other thing is I dress in basically the same colors. Even some friends have commented that all I wear is black or brown with the occasional pink. So I've branched out to include teal. I've bought 2 teal tops -- tops, mind you, not t-shirts, in the past month. They are really cute, are cut out in the back, and very overall feminine.

Anyway...back to the new blog design. So realizing that it was totally boring its beautiful shades of pink, I opted for colors and decided to pick the blue and green that show up in my weight loss ticker.

This is a really big step for me. I know that sounds dumb. But it really is. I am a perfectionist. And everything has to be just perfect because it represents me and it must represent exactly who I am. Again, I know that sounds dumb.

So this is the new me, or the new blog. Pink, blue, and green.

Hope you enjoy!

Self-Encouragement

I am so down right now, feeling particularly self-conscious and like I will never not have rolls when I sit, let lone ever see bones, so I'm blogging to vent, and doing calculations to see how far I still have to go to reach my goal of 129 to cheer myself up.

I'm 146.2.

That's at least one pound thinner than when I first met my husband in person.

It's also the thinnest I've been in 12 years.

12 years ago, I got down to my thinnest adult weight ever -- 138. I only maintained it for a few months, because I went "off" the diet and 10 pounds seemed to come back overnight. Since then, the lowest I've ever gotten has been 147...and even then, only on occasion. I usually hit about 149, and somehow or another lose momentum. Usually, it's the end of the summer or holidays come up and I maintain for awhile, then end up creeping back to 155, 158, 162. Sometimes, like a year and a half ago when I started this journey, I ended up over 170.

I can't believe it -- I'm only 6.3 pounds away from reaching 139.9!

I've only been under 140 once, 12 years ago.

I'm only 8.2 pounds away from being my thinnest ever.

And I'm only 17 pounds away from being 129.2. Less than 20. At that weight, I assume I will lose the flab in my arms and be able to see muscle tone. At that weight, I assume, my ribs will show, my shoulder blades will show, and a hit of spine will be nice.

But 17 weeks puts me in the end of September.

Will I be able to hold onto this motivation till then? Will I be able to keep pushing myself to run...even when the heat waves set in? What happens when i run out of biggest loser episodes to watch? (They've been my motivation -- watching several episodes of the Australia version every day).

I can't think about the 17. I just can't. It's too much, it's too far away.

Right now, I am going to focus on losing at least .5 this week, which makes my WW 10%. Of course I hope to lose more than that, but I've lost 2.2 the last two weeks, and I'm not sure after weight losses of .4's and .8's before that, how long that will continue.

My next goal after that will def be 139.9.

Then, probably, 134.9.

Then I will focus on 129.

Hopefully, somewhere in there, I will start feel thin.

My First Race



Amazingly, I somehow managed to run my first 5k race under 30 minutes. That was my goal, but since I run a 12 minute mile every day I run, I never thought I could shave 6 minutes off my time.

First off, it was very hard (and very hot). My breathing was labored almost from the beginning because I literally ran as far as I could before I walked to catch my breath. I have no idea how long I ran, but when I usually run, the longest I ever do at one time is 1/10th of a mile.

I kept this one girl in my sights even though she was pretty far ahead of me. I kept catching up to her, but then I would have to walk and ended up falling behind. This happened over and over again, until I got frustrated and passed her. Then amazingly, I never saw her again.

But then as I kept running, and walking, different groups of girls would come out of nowhere and pass me. So then I was like, oh no you don't, and would push myself to run. Again and again.

At the end, my breathing was so hard, and face felt like it was burning, and these two girls kept coming up beside me, and I was like, I have not done this for this long and this hard for you to pass me, and I just started running faster. Then I finally saw the 3 mile marker and started sprinting as fast as I could....or so I thought.

Then I saw the clock at the finish line and it AMAZINGLY said 29-something minutes, and at THAT point I ran as fast as I bloody could. According to my chip, my time was 29:35.

I was breathing so hard after I was done, and trying to talk to my husband and son who were waiting for me, that one of the race officials thought i was having an asthma attack. I laughed and told her I was fine, that I'd just smoked for 17 years.

I was stoked. I couldn't believe I made my goal -- quite an unrealistic goal. I ended up placing 7th in my division (females 30-39). I hope that's good.

For my first race, I'm pretty proud. :)

Learning Confidence

Off to go see Kung Fu Panda 2. I adored the first one; Jack Black really made Po's character. I liked the whole message of the movie...learning to accept yourself for who you are and realizing that you bring something to the world that no one else can.

In the beginning, Po says, "I'm here, because if anyone can make me not me, it's you." But by the end, when confronted by the villain who is totally not threatened by him and who says, "You're just a big, fat panda," Po responds, "No, I'm THE big, fat panda."

So yea, I loved the movie and am very excited about the sequel.

Can't Believe It!!!

I am shell-shocked. I never expected to search yahoo images for "happy scale".

 Either my home scale (which has always been exactly 6 pounds less than WW) is off or the WW scale is off, because the WW scale said I lost an additional 2.2 pounds this week.

Part of me is super-psyched. The other part is, whose scale went haywire?


Did WW recalibrate theirs? Certainly nothing changed with my home scale. After jumping up to 145 all week, it went back to 143 both yesterday and this morning, which should have meant WW scale said 149. I almost didn't go because I didn't want to see a gain. (Last week, WW said 148.4)

But somehow or another, the WW scale said today: 146.2!!!

Only .4 pounds and I will reach my 10%. And that doesn't count the 10 pounds I lost before joining!

So, I am much more motivated to stay within points this difficult holiday weekend (not only barbecue on Monday, but going to see Kung Fu Panda 2 tomorrow which must include pretzel bites with cheese!). Def no pizza this weekend, lol.

Sigh...last time this usual 3-nights of pizza per weekend girl had pizza was 2 slices (compared to the normal 4) of rising crust frozen pizza. With that exception, I have not had pizza in 7 weeks. I am dying for REAL, pizzeria, smothered in pepperoni, dripping with grease pizza.

Next weekend, lol. Will work it in points wise, but can't this weekend due the holiday.

Oh well, can't believe I lost. Am fearful next week will show the scale was wrong and I gain back 2 pounds. Really hard to not just let myself truly enjoy because one of the scales was wrong. If next week shows another loss, I'll believe it. And be stoked.

Don't get me wrong, I'm quite happy and this is def the motivation I needed to get through this weekend without binging like the old me. Just wish both scales matched up as they have for the last 8 months. : /

Friday Bait and Switch

As you know, for weeks I've been weighing it at WW on Wednesdays losing numbers like .4, .8, and my worst, .2. So last week, I switched to Friday (since the home scale seems to shows a consistent loss of 1 pound per week) and lost 2 pounds! And now one week later, skipping WW Wednesday, it's Friday and the home scale says I've GAINED.

I feel like ripping my hair out.

I work too hard to see gains. My first thought/desire is to eat the very food I've been depriving myself of because what's the point? This urge is going to be particularly difficult this holiday weekend. It would be so much easier to pass up yummy delights at parties if I were high off a loss.
 
The verdict is not officially i though. I have 2 more hours till weigh-in, need to go to the bathroom, and may work out (which only ONCE worked -- the scale went down 1 1/2 pounds from my morning weight after I worked out, but hey, I can try).

Dissapointments

Didn't go to WW today because of course the scale was up. Hopefully it will be down by Friday, my new weigh-in day.

Watched the season finale of biggest loser. Can't believe they are replacing Jillian with some Maxim twig who's never had a weight problem. Is it turning into the Biggest Anorexic show? I'm so glad that I'd decided when I first found Jillian was leaving that it was my last season.

Tried to run 2 miles under 20 minutes. Failed miserably. 2:03. I need to give up on my goal of running my first 5K race under 30 minutes. :(

Got in fight with husband who doesn't understand my frustration or self-consciousness at all, and tried to cheer me up by saying that's about how fast he ran in 8th grade -- a short, asthmatic kid. Then when I tried to explain why I was upset with BL and how they are (will be) one more voice among the 100's a day that say bones are sexy, curves are fat against his one voice saying curves are sexy, bones are not, his reply was he felt like he was talking to a brick wall and that I should just "tune them out".

Somehow I seriously doubt when (and if) I can ever see my shoulder blades or my spine that he will say I'm too thin or not sexy (unless of course I lose my boobs to get that thin -- that he would notice. Bones? I doubt it.)

PS -- I should note that I was very happy to see Olivia win. I wanted either her or Irene. And was almost in tears to see Jillian's standing ovation! Go Jillian -- I hope you come back. And you will be greatly missed!!!!

Progress Pictures

January 2010 -- 172 Pounds

 

June 2010 -- 162 pounds

September 2010 -- 153 Pounds

January 2011 -- 162 Pounds

(back up again over Christmas holiday -- I'm the 4th girl in the row, this was the first time I ever wore white -- we had to wear either white or red, this is what goodwill had)

 

February 2011 -- 158ish

May 2011 -- 150 Pounds (I'm first / on the far left)

It's very frustrating how round I still look -- it's like there is no tone. Round face, round arms, round midsection (though nice to see the table is hiding it here). Sigh.

I will contemplate posing for a Current Weight photo. I absolutely abhor my photo taken (I actually had to go through friends facebook albums looking for these pics as I untagged myself in all of them but the wedding photo).

New Ticker...@#$%^

So I get a new ticker from a completely different site and it refuses to update. It just keeps saying I've lost 0 pounds.

What gives???

FYI -- The scale went up 3 pounds this morning, so unless it drops down 4, I will not be weighing in tomorrow. Hopefully by Friday it will show a loss, and I will go then. My goal is 146.8, and if so, I will have lost 15 pounds since joining WW and 25 total. :)

I need to have lost 1.6 pounds in order to do so, which would be a pretty big week for me, so probably rather unlikely.

Weight Loss Ticker

Ok, so every other weight loss blog has these cute little tickers that track thier weight, and I go an make one, all excited to add it to my blog, and it looks like crap.

What's the deal???

Lip Plumper Reward

So, with finally being under 150, my reward was one of those expensive lip plumpers that feel tingly and make your lips plump for 4 hours. I've been so excited about this ever since I read about them months ago.

Fortunately, I found out this really expensive makeup store in the mall, Sephora, allows you to test things before you pay out 50 bucks.

Well, my lips tingled...and turned pink...but didn't plump. Not a bit.

SIGH.

So I googled lip augmentation. $300 minimum and the results are temporary. Like up to 3 months, if you're lucky. GRRRRRR!

So now I'm just gonna try and find some really good lipstain with matching lip stain liner and see if I can fake it. My top lip all but disappears when I smile. I really, REALLY wanted sexy, full lips. Very disappointed.

:(

Weight Watchers 5K

So I earned my WW 5K charm today -- woo-hoo!

Very excited. I initially started out with the walkers (since I can't run the whole way) and as I saw these two girls in the lead get farther and farther ahead, I completely regretted it. And so then I decided, maybe, just maybe, exp if they drop down to a walk for bit, I can catch up to them.

So I took off...and caught up with them! I was so psyched. Turns out the one is just starting out jogging so I could actually walk to keep up with them (the other girl does 10 minute mile races but was there to encourage her friend.) So even though I wasn't pushed past any limits, I def got in a medium intensity workout (we completed it in 44.5 minutes).

Yesterday, I went to the same track and did 2.6 (the length of the track) in 26 minutes, so I am really thinking that I could pull of a 5K under 30 minutes even though I have to stop and walk intervals. So I am really considering entering my first race which competes one week from today. :) 

Friday

So I did it -- I woke up with the home scale back down to the previous Friday's week, so I hopped in the car and went to WW (even though I had gone as usual Wednesday and lost only .2). Sure enough, the scale was down 2 more pounds!

I am finally out the 150's! I completely skilled 149, after weeks of just wanting to see 149.9. I am now 148.4. So very cool!

Another Weigh In

So, by Tuesday morning I re-lost the 2 pounds I gained over the weekend at Girl's night, but nothing else, so the WW scale said -.2.

Point 2?!??!?!

Just because I ate my 49 bonus points??? For crying out loud I earned 46 activity points!

So what does my WW leader say. I exercise too much (WW doesn't recommend going over 42). I didn't do 46 on purpose, I would just be motivated to go another 10 minutes or run a bit faster, etc. and it ended up adding up.

So she also suggested I eat more. $%#(&*^#

Do these people not watch biggest loser? I eat the SAME as them and work out for 1 hour, while they work out for 4.

Anyway....naturally the scale goes down a pound and a half THIS MORNING.

I am half tempted to go to a WW meeting tomorrow and weigh in again just to finally see under 150 in my booklet.

This is not the first time my weight has fluctuated JUST on Wednesday mornings. So very frustrating.

Girls' Night Mistake

.8.

Yup. I t seems I will never be under 150. I am now 150.6.

So this week, I've decided to calorie cycle (eat 25 points a day) and aim for 40 activity points earned.

The point of calorie cylcing is to trick the body/metabolism. Basically eat more one day, eat less the next, instead of the exact same every day. Over the weekend, I went to a baby shower and spent the night at a girlfriend's and consumed my 49 bonus points (which was rather disappointing as she played on facebook most of the time and never opened up or girl talked at all, even more disappointing was that that morning the home sale said 143 so WW would have been 149, and 2 mornings later still showed a gain of 5 pounds just from that night, but that's besides the point, so moving on...).

I know some of it will be water gain from the high sodium and abundance of carbs, but still. If it doesn't show 143 by Wednesday (weigh-in day) I am going to be really mad.

However, I am target for my 40 activity points and really pushed myself today, running longer and harder than usual, instead of just jogging. I am feeling quite strong and hope that I start seeing some results on the scale.

1.6

Well, the scale had me lose 1.6. Woopie doo.


While I was there, two other girls who both work out like me (run and weights) shared thier weight loss. One lost 3.8. the other lost 4.5.

I compared what they did, to what I do eating wise and they both eat their bonus 49 points (and some exercise points) neither of which I do. So I decided to try one more week of doing it the “right” way, and went on a date with my husband to TGIF’s where I got the Jack Daniels Chicken Strip app as my meal, split a flat bread spinach app with hubby, had 3 bites of his loaded mashed potatoes, and split a brownie sundae for dessert. Oh, and I had a cosmo.

Saturday morning, the scale was up 2 pounds. This morning, it was still up 2 pounds. If I have a gain on Wednesday, I am going to go berserk. I am at my wits end doing this the “right” way. I keep saying I’m just gonna go VLCD but something convinces me to try one more time the “right” way, and I’m scared to death of gaining it right back (because of whatever reason, water with Atkins, supposedly voracious fat storage with VLCD).

I am getting so frustrated. And on biggest loser they create a calorie deficit in the negative (burn off more than they eat or need to live and more), so how in the world can I possibly not be eating enough to lose weight? How could I let them convince me to eat more and I would lose? If I gained, I will be close to raving, raging mad. Summer is coming. My birthday is coming. And it’s looking like I will never reach goal.

Weigh-in

Well, last Wednesday showed a loss of .4 pounds.

After 3 weeks of running my butt off and eating right and not losing, this would have been followed by a week of eating all the foods I've deprived myself of and not exercising a bit.

But I had taken my food journal into Weight Watchers with me, and stayed after the meeting to talk to the leader. She suggested that I stop drinking a 3rd of my points -- 2 EAS low-carb, protein shakes (3 points each) and 2 cups of sugar-free coffee at night for dessert (5 points) and eat those points instead.

So I mustered all of my waning self-discipline and motivation and did just what she said. For breakfast and lunch, I ate string cheese and chicken salad and for dessert I had 1 or 2 1-point no sugar added fudgsicles. Over the weekend I dipped into my points allowance (used 8 of my 49) and treated myself to WW desserts (peanut butter cup sundae, praline turtle sundae, and  chocolate chip cookie dough sundae -- 4 points each).

I ate a salad almost every weekday, watched my sodium intake, and drank more than the required water.

I also earned myself 33 exercise points which I did not eat. (Jog/power walked 15.5 miles, and an accumulated 1 hour 45 minutes medium-intensity step aerobics which I do in chunks).

My home scale (which is approx 6 pounds less than Weight Watchers) says I lost 1 pound, maybe 2. It's hard to tell as it's not digital. Last week, I weighed in at 153. After 4 weeks of not losing, I was really hoping to see 149.9 today, hoping that my body adjusted and dropped a big number.

If I only lost 1 pound, I will be extremely discouraged. I am so far behind from reaching my goal of 133 by my 33rd birthday, it's not even funny.  I will probably have to readjust my goal to be 33 on my home scale, which will put me under 140, something I've not been in 12 years, and even then only maintained for a few months (moved and stopped dieting).

And I haven't decided if I will cut my eating points or eat more of my points allowance. Eat more? Eat less? I'm honestly not sure at this point. I do know that I have almost no motivation to keep pushing myself physically anymore if I don't start seeing the pounds go down.

I don't understand why this is so difficult. I'm finally motivated and in the right place mentally to actually achieve and maintain my goal, and now body refuses to cooperate. :(

PS -- I will try to remember to post my weight when I get back from weight watchers. Depending if I have to go to work right after, it may be in 2 hours of 7. Wish me luck.