Wedding Pics

Ok, have been very busy, so sorry. Lots going on. Quite overwelming. And on top of all the financial stress and stuff, ended up gaining back 15 pounds which I've only just now lost. Joined Planet Fitness, still belong to Bally's, joined Weight Watchers, and am following Atkins.

Confused? LOL. I will explain in next post. Plus going to hsare some awesome, low-carb menu ideas for the holidays. For now, here are some wedding pics I don't look chubby in.

This one (above) is air-brushed.

On this one (above), I photo-shopped the bulge hanging over my dress.

Post Wedding Blues

Can't type much at the moment, but wanted to update.

The wedding was a week ago (9/3). We were so rushed to begin with due to the venue, and setup ran so late, that the actual wedding part was 12:40 to 3:30, and I ended up feeling like I never really had a chance to enjoy it and was quite depressed for most of this week.

Out 3 day honeymoon, spent with his parents, was mostly good, except the hotel gave us the wrong room (very deceptive), "couldn't" turn the fireplace on, didn't have the double wide jacuzzi, etc. etc. I don't even want to get into that. We had one night where we weren't totally exhausted and so kicked his parents out at 9 for some time alone, in which I tried to drink quick (can't drink in front of his folks) apparently drank too quick and then jumped in the sinlge jacuzzi and promptly got superdrunk and passed out. Also, very depressing. Ended up waking up and then cried my eyes out that I ruined our last remaining night.

I don't have the photos yet, thought the photographer did send me a few "preveiws". Out of 10, I liked one and 2 were ok. :(

I am so hoping that I like at least 10, hopefully 15. That's all I'm asking for. I just want to really, REALLy like a few. You know, am proud of, want to show off, feel pretty in.

We shall see. I will post my favorites here.

*sigh*

Gentleman Prefer Real Curves

The closest match to the ideal was an average-sized 25- to 44-year-old, with a waist of about 76 centimetres (30 inches) and hips of about 102 centimetres (40 inches).

PLAYBOY centrefolds, fashion models and professional escorts may have a reputation for being sexy but Sydney men prefer the body shape of average Australian women, scientists have found.

A University of NSW researcher, Robert Brooks, said he had been surprised to find that the "supposedly super-attractive" professionals had a less popular figure than the girl next door, but their slimness appeared to have counted against them.

"These women had smaller waists and hips than the most attractive combination in our study," he said.

The research was carried out to test the notion that a waist-to-hip ratio of about 0.7 has evolved to be appealing because it is a sign of good health and likely ability to have children.

Professor Brooks and his team asked 100 men to judge the attractiveness of 201 line drawings of female torsos. The most preferred waist-to-hip ratio was close to 0.7, but only if the rest of the body proportions were average, they found. The least attractive torso shapes were large shoulders with small waist and hips, and small shoulders with large waist and hips.

The vital statistics of the different professional groups and normal Australian women were then compared with these shape preferences.

Furthest from the men's ideal were the Playboy centrefolds, 1990s models and women advertising on two Australian escort websites. Models from the 1920s, who were more curvy, fared better. The thicker waists and hips of women over 44 put them outside the most preferred range.

Ironically, the decrease in hip size and weight of models during the past 40 years has been a trend away from the body type that appeals to men, the researchers noted in the study, published in the journal Behavioural Ecology.

Article Found At: http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/gentlemen-prefer-real-curves-20090612-c646.html

On Yahoo Answers

8 Months Ago:

Question: Do men prefer a curvy hourglass figure or a slim petite figure?

Best Answer: Hourglass ... without a doubt!

"Does my bum look big in this?" ... Hell yes! I like it!

Female Body Shape Men Like the Most

Ladies, here's a heartening news flash: Thin is NOT in. Men crave curves.

While American women see super-thin stick models and feel unattractive and unhappy about their average or curvy bodies, men don't feel the same way. Fully 80 percent of men ages 18 to 50 say they want a voluptuous woman, according to former plus size model Nancy Hayssen, who has written a book every woman could love based on the title alone: "101 Sexy Secrets: How to Be Hot, Sexy & Beautiful at ANY Size!" Another 15 percent of men prefer a woman of average size, while just 5 percent opt for a super skinny lady.

Twenty years ago, most fashion models were a size 8. Today, that's been replaced by an emaciated size 0. Meanwhile, during those same two decades, the average American woman, who stands 5' 4", ballooned from a size 10 to a size 14. Fun fact: A 14, which is now considered a "plus size," was approximately sex bomb Marilyn Monroe's dress size.

"We're being lied to everyday. The fashion industry and Hollywood have spread the myth that men want skinny, anorexic-looking women," asserts Hayssen. "The truth is it's plus size or curvy women who are considered beautiful."

That sentiment was echoed in a recent poll of 4,000 adults conducted by British weekly magazine Grazia to find out the ultimate attractive man and woman. Men overwhelmingly said they are most attracted to women who have curves, rather than skinny women, and prefer brunettes with "long, wavy hair." And 78 percent said a woman's most attractive feature is her smile.

Men are a practical lot. Three-quarters said the hobby they find most attractive in the opposite sex is cooking.

So what do women want in a man? A stunning 93 percent are looking for someone who makes them laugh, while 73 percent want someone who will "automatically" pay for a meal. Men who own their own home are five times more attractive than a man who does not. OK, so women are practical, too.

http://webcenters.netscape.compuserve.com/love/package.jsp?name=fte%2Fcurvywomen%2Fcurvywomen

Engaged!

Yes, I am finally and officially engaged.

After a ton of stress and overtime and a move and more stress and fatigue on his part and my having several "failing heart moments" (see another post which I will link to someday, well, will probably forget too, but it basically means having an extreme self-conscious, I am so ugly and worthless and deserving of rejection don't look at me attacks), we finally were able to have abit of  time together after I went with him to work on his on-call jobs.

On the way back, we stopped at a state park and he left his phone in the work truck and we attempted to have a picnic which didn't work out (the park almost didn't work out as it charged and we had no cash and after everything that had already gone wrong that weekend., I was in tears and feeling like this very strong force was apparently out to make sure we would never be together and that if we fought against it, it would just make our lives miserable and we would never get a chancee to even enjoy our love.

Anyway, we found cash, our picnic lunch got extremely cold and gross (I couldn't even eat it), and we decided to go for a walk in the woods.

That ended up being very nice. We found some fitness challenges along the path and laughed with each other as we tried to do them. One spot was very muddy so I rode on his back. Then, very deep in the woods, on a bridge (very Rivendell-ish), we stood and talked for awhile, and then he prayed (he always prays very awesome, I've never heard a man pray like him) for us, for my son, for becoming a family, for the sanctity of our marriage.

Then we stood there again, and he was very nervous, which was ridiculously sweet. And the light was coming through the trees and highlighting his hair and face and he looked so good, and then he got on one knee and asked.

:)

And miraculously, when we got back to the truck there was no missed work calls and we had the rest of the evening together.

The Scale

I didn't bring the scale.

Intentionally.

I decided to measure myself by jean size instead, since I have my skinny jeans (that haven't fit in 12 years) and my goal has been there and then whatever the scale said that was my goal weight. That was approx 135-138 pounds.

I have not been able to work out as much as before. :( My boyfriend's car is spurting gas so is still at the old house so I have to take him to work in the morning and pick him up. My commute to work has doubled each way, plus I have to get him, and he's not on the way, and I've had to stop by the old house and load up my car and I am tanning religiously as the wedding is only 4 weeks away and otherwise I would be albino-girl, and there just hasn't been enough hours in the day. My Jillian DVD's which intentionally didn't get packed so I would have them on my person and they couldn't get lost GOT LOST and it took 4 days before I found them. When I found them, I did them almost religiously until I finally got Internet, and then due to having major wedding emergencies (like a wedding ring that got shipped back to sender!!!!!) that it just fell by the wayside.

And now, despite my calmness and my relaxing abit and allowing my self to eat carbs "guilt-free" on the weekend since there is no scale to tell me how fat and ugly I am, I am starting to wonder if it was a bad idea to leave it behind. Because I am not as motivated/dedicated now that there isn't a device here to remind me that I am not light enough / thin enough to relax and enjoy life.

Sigh.

The other things is I want to know how much I weigh on my wedding day. What if I made it to goal and then didn't know? But what if I don't, and I get on the scale a day or two before and am depressed and mentally feel ugly.

Oh....I tried on my dress. It fits PERFECTLY....without undergarments. So as long as whatever bra/corset I find doesn't create bulges, I should be good. The last time I was on a scale (2 weeks ago) I had lost the 20 pounds I'd gained from quitting smoking. :) :) :)

I can wear some size 8 clothes, but mostly size size 10. My skinny jeans are a junior size 7.  Basically, I am a size 8 jean right now. I am an 8 in regular jeans, but since I wear juniors I wear a 10 (need room to allow for hips/butt). So since I almost ALWAYS wear juniors, I am a 10 mentally and emotionally. And my goal is a 7, which is a normal size 6.

In all honestly, my goal, albeit unrealistically, would be a 3. But I doubt my hips would get to that. But at a 3 I would feel thin enough that no other person would ever make me feel fat because a 3 is thin. No matter who is smaller or not, a 3 is always thin. If I only I could get myself to feel that way about a 7.

Of course, I've recently realized and try to remind myself that -- you have to choose between ta-tas and thin (fatless) thighs/hips. You can't have both (unless surgically or digitally altered). And DF likes my hips and thighs the way they are and LOVES my ta-tas.

Now, just need me to love and like my body and relax and not feel like every girl out there thinner than me live or on the screen -- is a threat and proves my worthlessness.

Should I go buy a scale?

I feel like I am a fool if I think/believe I am beautiful at this weight (151? 149?). Pictures will show otherwise and then I will realize I was ugly.....GRRRR.....why if I am not perfect or ultra thin does that automatically make me ugly? The lies my father taught me, the lies that form the core of all that I believe...I wish I could just rip them out, but I don't know how. I wish I could strangle him, but he is dead. I wish I could accept myself.

The Move and The New Home

It took over a week before I had Internet and by that time I had a million things to catch up with as far as wedding plans are concerned. And sooooo much has happened since of which I will probably spread out over a few posts so as not overwhelm.

There are still boxes everywhere. Well, not quite as everywhere as before. It was horrid though. Not only was there everything I had accumulated over the last 10 years, but then there was all my boyfriend's stuff...boxes upon stacked boxes which had been living in my basement, dining room and garage since he moved here from Colorado to be with me.

We rented a 26 foot truck (the largest they had) and still everything didn't fit. The temperature was 100 on moving day with a heat index/humidity of 105. It was horrid. My three closest friends (one girl, two guys) were the only ones who really helped. One is my bridesmaid and one my grooms man (my poor DF's friends are all in the west).

Anyway, it was just a nightmare. I had been really hoping to get everything organized and put away before my son got back, but alas, he was homesick, and I missed him, and he couldn't take being at my mother and sister's anymore, so he came back to box city.

Even now, his room isn't done. And DF would really like me to get on that too, because the longer my son lives in a mess in the new place, the quicker it will always stay that way and it will look like his old room.

The Living Room is mostly done and looking quite lovely. All that is left is several more boxes of books which we need to sort through and decide which will go on the remaining book shelves and which ones will be boxed up and stored since there is no more room.

The Dining is done -- ya! -- except that my china (in the two boxes sitting on one of my kitchen counters) needs to go in the buffet.

The Kitchen is mostly done (finished up yesterday) except for a stack of pots and pans that need to be washed. Some of the cupboards and drawers need to be organized, but the counters are now clear. (They had been full to overflowing with all my and DF's combined kitchen stuff).

Den -- the room in which I am in, which is more of an alcove off the living room, is mostly organized except for the boxes of books that will belong on my desk (reference and how-to write books). But obviously, I have Internet -- finally!

Bathrooms -- not organized, and a mess

Bedrooms -- all three (mine, DF's, and son's) are a mess.

Mine is allowed to be as its a storage room until I am able to go through everything and clear it out to make a studio as it will only be my bedroom for another 4 weeks -- yea!!!!!

DF's is a mess because I haven't gone through the clothes yet, so there are just boxes of clothes and piles of clothes everywhere.

Son's is a mess because I haven't organized it first run through and we had been waiting forever for his bookshelf clips which got lost in the packing but are now found and he has some overflow from my room that's crept in. Also, he doesn't have a dresser yet as his old one didn't come on the move.

After losing my house, I am trying to look at this place like a really grand/luxury apartment. It's technically a townhouse, but it is not a house, not when you are used to living on a street in a neighborhood. This place is a complex, and I am in the middle, (not facing a street), and the car is a bit of a walk away and in a parking lot. It's just quite different. INSIDE, however, is much prettier than my house could ever been and bigger. My house was very, very tiny and falling apart. So when I am inside, it feels really nice. But when I try and talk about it and "house" comes out of my mouth, there is a twinge, because it's not a house. Some of my friends have called it an apartment too, so it definitely does not say house. :(

It's just hard.

But there is alot of good on the inside. Room. Space. Beauty. Central Air. All these things are new to me. It really is a step up. Not sure what that says about me. :(

Anyway.....it really is very pretty and spacious. I will post pics when everything is done.

Crabs Fields

Did you know crabs grow in a field? Yup, little crab eggs are planted in the ground and up sprout crabs. Not true? How can that not be true when there are FREAKING CARBS IN CRAB!?!?!

Sorry, had to vent that when the other day upon deciding to make my new favorite food in the world -- crab salad -- that there are carbohydrates in the crab. In complete disbelief, since there are no carbohydrates in any other meat like chicken or beef, I look at the ingredients. #1 Seafood. #2 Sugar.

SUGAR!?!?! They add freaking sugar to the crab. Um, hello, if my crab is not sweet enough, I will sprinkle some splenda into my crab salad, thank you.

Usually I check EVERYTHING before I buy it, much to DH's frustration, but I never even considered the fact that I had to check meat for carbs. I'd checked it for calories, fat, and protein -- in which it scores wonderfully, but didn't even glance at the carbs. Why should I? It's meat.

Grrrr.

Needless to say, after giving into temptation Sunday, and then eating crab salad on Monday (unaware of the carbs, I haven't eaten it since I found out and next time at the store will try to find a No Sugar Added version), I didn't pee in the pink family until yesterday. On top of that, I ate a low sugar scoop of ice cream so woke up in the beige, was pink in the early afternoon. I am probably burgundy right now and just finished one of my Jillian tapes so hopefully I just kicked some fat-burning booty. :)

I need to stop eating No Sugar Ice Cream at night. I need to be burning fat stores while I sleep. *sigh* I've read up on ketosis online and there is no way that <20 grams of carbs a day should knock me out of ketosis. It's very frustrating. Under 40's not even supposed to. But all I have to do is eat a weeny bit of 4 sugar ice cream and BAM!

Anyway, I think I will post some recipes because I must say for myself I make some good low-fat (and now low-sugar) stuff. I refuse to eat anything that tastes bad -- which is most fat-free stuff. Concerning sugar-free stuff, I know some people can taste it and some can't. I happen to be very lucky in that I normally can't taste it, or it's not so bad to turn me off. Most of the time. There have been some exceptions.

So I am going to start a  recipe page (and since I should be packing right now) will just jot a few down, but will come back and add some more. I have made some surprisingly delicious low-far or low-sugar creations that you'll wonder why you'd ever need eat the regular version again.

And if you want a substitute recipe of your favorite dish or dessert, let me know and I'll give you ideas and/or tell you how I would make it.

Going back to my carbo-crab vent, have you ever discovered some food you took for granted was healthy or low something or other only to discover it wasn't? 

Bridesmaid Pics:       161 pounds            Current: 153 pounds           

Arm:                           13 1/4                                 13
Chest:                         34 1/2                            
Waist:                         32                                       31 1/2
Hip:                            41                                       40 1/2
Thigh:                         25 1/4                                 24 3/4

So compared to the ugly and fat bridesmaid pictures:
 
Arm : 1/4 inch less
Waist: 1/2 inch less
Hip: 1/2 inch less
Thigh: 1/2 inch less
 
Woopee-dee-do.
 
My Goal measurments:
 
Arm: 11
Waist: 27 (29 MAX)
Hips: 37
Thigh: 22

The Fat Truth

Oh, yes, can't you just hear the guys now...they'd love to see that girl naked. She's so freakin' hot. They want to see her peel off her clothes, they want to admire her from head to foot, longing to touch every inch of her.

Uh-huh.

Yes, friends, more lovely sis' wedding pictures. Posted AND FREAKIN' TAGGED on facebook. 

By the way, the nice red lines marking the areas that need to be deleted are for that random, stupid, blind sob who says, "what's wrong with the way you look?"

Compared to Megan Fox or Natalie Portman or any other semi-anorexic, photoshopped, plastic-boobed (MF) celebrity, I may as well be a contestant on the biggest loser.

I've been crying off and on since last night when i first discovered the posted pictures....which was AFTER I ate a stupid freakin' glazed donut on top of an hours earlier lunch of 1/4 a Pizza Hut Personal Pan pizza and about an 1/6 of a jumbo chocolate chip cookie (all bought and eaten in front of me by DF) and after I ran 3 miles at the park in the dark.

45 days to go....

An Explanation for my Psychosis

I will try to explain the root of my body image problem.

Things my father taught me:

Only perfection deserves any merit
Perfection is how you earn approval and acceptance
2nd place (anything less than perfection) is failure (not as applied to sports, just in general)

Things both my parents taught me:

All a man wants is sex
If you don't satisfy a man often enough, he will cheat
Nudity in a movie makes a man lust

Things the men in my life have taught me:

Father had a secret porn stash
Ex-husband had a secret porn stash
Thus, I am not good enough unless I look like a model/actress and he will mentally ravish other women in his mind or imagine I look like them when he's with me because I fall short and thus am worthless. I am not pretty enough or of value enough to be mentally faithful with.

Things the media has taught me:

Men want tiny waists, narrow hips, thin thighs, and big boobs
All men look / lust
Compare yourself to all these "prefect bodied" women and do everything in your power to try and emulate them.
Hate your age.
Hate your weight.
Hate every part of your body.
Do these things to make your man want you.
Don't get far, squishy, etc.
Do this to look better naked.
Do this to be better in bed.

Contradictions we must reconcile and live by:

Order a salad.
Don't be one of those girls who can't eat or just eat a salad -- guys hate that.

Communicate with your man.
Don't talk about your insecurities -- that makes you unattractive.
(So hold it all in and try not to cry and then when you can't bear for him to look at you say you have a headache).

Buy a VS Love My Body push up bra which will transform any woman of any size into a volumptious vixen. (So what the hell happens when you're in bed and the bra comes off????). Love your body IN the bra because now you measure up....then what?


I realize maximizing my bust is not an issue for me, but I still remember the days when I was much smaller and felt so inadequate and wore every padded push up bra I could find. And I remember the terror of someone finding out I wasn't really that big/pretty/high value. But I can presently relate in the sense of a corset. I have excess skin that just sits in a huge bulge from my disfigured belly button to my panty line. Sexy, huh? While everyone and their mother -- both in real life and on TV/Movies where low rise jeans and short tops and show off their bare midriffs I am forced to keep covered and hide my ugliness. And even then, there is a bulge. No matter how tight my jeans, or whether I wear that ugly underwear shaper thing, there is the bulge. All I can do is pray that someday (before I get too old for it to make a difference), I can afford a tummy tuck. Ironically, I don't even need a true tummy tuck, my abs are hard as a rock, I just need the blasted loose skin removed.

So anyway....even when I reach goal weight, even if every other part of me was thin and toned, in any full frontal nudity pose / position, I will still be ugly. And even if not "ugly" definitely not comparable to any model/actress or live girl walking around baring her midriff in front of man every time he walks out the door. I will always be second best (or third, fourth, whatever -- the point is I will NEVER measure up, until goal weight and plastic surgery. And DF has voiced concerns about the scar and how it looks like Frankenstein and like the woman looks cut in half, etc. So even then, though much more confident, if I see his eyes going right to the scar, I will still not feel like I measure up).

I feel like crap now....even more so than before.

I'm going to go workout.

Weigh-in

Well, I weight in at 153.8.

3 pounds (well, 2.8 pounds) less than 2 weeks ago. So either I lose 1 pound last week and 2 this week, or I lost 0 last week and 3 this week. Either way, I didn't make it to my goal of 152.

:(

I have a -2 per week plan. I would be 138 by wedding day. Ironically, that was my original goal weight. 127 popped into my head when I realized that would ensure my pics were awesome. I don't want to look like a big round blob with big blobby arms.

153 is about my average weight. This is where I've spent most of my adult life. Once (a few months after my son was born) I got down to 138. Still have those jeans too! Size 7, baby. But most of my life I've been around 153-155 which is my low average to 158 - 162 which is my high average.

A few times I've hit 172-175 but that is only during major emotional upheaval periods.

I am thinking I am so focused on what I haven't lost and the fear of being fat and ugly on my wedding is going to destroy my focus and undermine my motivation. Even now I am thinking "And why don't i go have some sugar? Why have I given up all those McDonald Frappe's? Why aren't I having pizza tonight?"

BECAUSE one of the main reasons why I probably haven't hit a 4 pound week yet (or even 3) is because I'm not in fat burning mode all weekend long. If I make it sugar free this weekend, it will be my first.

That's what i should do. I should set an easy goal for myself for Monday morning. Instead of seeing next friday's goal looming so far in the distance.

Hmmmm.

If I am 153.8, and I have 3 days......(did I just lose 3 pounds in 3 days by being in the burgundy tues, wed, and thurs, or is that 3 an accumulation of 2 full weeks?.....)

OK, I think my moderate goal will be 152.8, but I will push myself (meaning actually exercise on a weekend) to try and reach 150.8. Anything in between will be rewarded and applauded. I must remember to actually do that though -- reward myself with something (something apparently not sugar).

So Far This Year:

April : 172 -- 161 (lost 11 pounds)

May: 161 -- 161 (lost nothing)

June: 161 -- 156.6  (lost 4.4 )

July -- 156.6 -- ??? (So far,

July   2 -- 156.6
July   9 -- ???
July 16 -- 153.8

Worst case scenario, I will reach 149.8 by July 30th, which will account for a 6.8 pound monthly loss.

Then I will have 5 weeks to lose 10-12 pounds (137-139).

If I can pull over 3 pound losses each week, I will be 132 for wedding.

If 2 pounds, 139.

If 1 pound, 147 (THAT would suck!)

I wish I knew at what weight I was 17% body fat. If that could only be 139. But last time I was at 139, I was 19%. I know, I know. That's my lowest healthy weight, which is why it was my original goal, but I do not want to look fat in my wedding pictures.

Does anyone else feel like they have to compete with the myriad of ultra-thin, underweight images plastered everywhere and half-dressed in every movie...or is just me???

:(

I want to be thin.

I want to feel pretty.

Hope on the Horizon

Well, I am finally in the burgundy.

Actually, I've been there since at least yesterday. I bought a new container of strips since the last ones were generic and we went through a heat wave and I know my house got up over the "do not exceed 84 degrees storage" recommendation.

I don't think it made too much of a difference. I peed on both a new stick and an old, and my readings were the same. However, the newer, non-generic version seems more sensitive, in that a burgundy reading was very clear and on the old I didn't know if it was mauve or burgundy.

Because of my no sugar added Light Fudge Tracks ice cream for dessert each night, I test trace each morning. (trace with only 2 grams of sugar -- can I get a loud 'annoying!') But my mid-afternoon I am back in the burgundy.

I have a very nice idea for dinner tomorrow night, to replace the pizza, since eating a regular meal with carbs takes 36 hours to get back in the mauve: Sweet Italian Sausage (turkey) with ricotta, mozzarella, provolone, and Parmesan cheese all melted together. I've been getting pretty good at the "bowl" recipes.

Tonight I am going to have a bowl of chicken with bacon (low fat) and Light pepper jack cheese all melted together. My dinners range between 200 -- 300 calories a meal.

Anyway, my new goal weights for the next 8 weeks are:

Week 8 -- 152
Week 7 -- 148
Week 6 -- 144
Week 5 -- 140
Week 4 -- 136
Week 3 -- 133
Week 2 -- 130
Week 1 -- 127 (Wedding Day)

I realize this is pretty determined, but I figure, what the heck, they do it all the time on biggest loser. Granted they work out for 4 -6 hours a day, but I eat less then them, so I am hoping since these numbers are modest goals for BL contestants, they can work for me with my program.

If my program works (I've been doing alot of research into the most effective ways to burn pure fat), ie if I start dropping 2 - 4 pounds a week, I will share my program. Maybe I should even write another book. Ha! Wouldn't that be ironic if I book I wrote in a matter of weeks got published faster than a book I wrote over 5 years.

But anyway, i would include lots of personalization and customization and body image tips and beauty tips and info on supplements as well as maintenance tips (after I make sure that part of my plan works too, lol). Ok, so yea, I am running away with myself, dreaming again. O well, it's in my nature. Hey, they say if you don't set big goals, you will never achieve big goals.

Ok, I'm gonna go lie down for a quick power nap and will hopefully wake up with tons of energy to go workout.

A Midweek Update

Monday:
I don't really remember, but I do think I forced myself to do the Jillian workout. I think I did have in the morning and the other half that night, but I honestly don't remember. I know i really, really didn't feel like doing it and had to push myself. I think i did the whole thing, but can't remember. I know I did at least 4 circuits, so 24 minutes (approx 300 calories).

Tuesday:
Cardio w/ Jillian (forget how many circuits, may only have been 10 minutes)
300 Calories burned on elliptical
300 calories burned on treadmill

Wednesday:
1/2 Cardio w/ Jillian
Entire Upper Body Cardio w/ Jillian
3 miles on the track

Thursday:
My plan is to do Lower Body Weights/Cardio w/ Jillian and then hit the track for a 3-mile HITT session but at the moment, am feeling tired and lazy.

I should really push myself, as this would be considered a Last Chance Workout and I need the scale to say 152. That will only be a 4 pound loss from 2 weeks ago, so 2 pounds from last week (I never weighed in, so not sure if I lost anything) and 2 pounds this week.

We shall see.....

I Am Doomed

This is a picture of me only a month ago at 161 pounds.

.

I am currently 156 with only 7 weeks to go.

I am doomed.

If I even allow myself to think there is no way I will look like a model (i.e. be photographable) by September 3rd, I will lose what lingering motivation I have. I look horrid in this picture.

I can ignore the hair, it was 100 degrees, the humidity was unbearable, and my cute little curls died a slow, agonizing death. But my wedding will be indoors and in September so hopefully it will be cooler.

I can even ignore how ridiculous my chest looks -- I told my sister that I would look ridiculous in a dress cut like that, but she insisted. She believes all cleavage is evil.

But what I can't ignore are my larger than the average person's arms (see blog post The Demonic Blood Pressure Machine) and my round, definitionless face.

And what the crap color lipstick is one supposed to wear for their lips to not disappear into their face? I will have to google/study/research photogenic makeup and photography makeup techniques. 

I could cry. 

I do not want to look that ugly on my wedding day. 

I ate 900 calories yesterday and burned 750 in cardio.

I ate less than 20 grams of carbs.

I weigh 156 pounds. :(

I need to go work out.

Wedding Weight Loss

Not sure if I've mentioned this, but my wedding date got moved 2 weeks closer. That's 2 less weeks to lose weight.

I didn't have a chance to weigh-on at the gym Friday morning. And home scale is so inaccurate, I never trust it. (Why I bother to get on it, I have no idea).

I've been packing my brains out, and eating almost no carbs, and on the rare occasions when I do eat a few carbs (under 40 grams), it puts me in the beige for 3+ days. I am very discouraged. Forced myself though a workout today, my discouragement is waning my motivation.

Even with it only being 8 weeks away, I still have time if I lose at least 2 pounds a week. At that rate, I should be able to hit 140 which is about 19% body fat for me (at least, last time i was it was).

If I can lose 3 pounds a week (which on a Ketogenic diet isn't unrealistic), I could reach 133, maybe even less, I would be very close to my wedding photo goal weight / body fat percentage of 17%.

I wish I had weighed in on Friday. A 2 or more pound loss would have been enough to make me motivated to workout this week. Tomorrow being Wednesday seems rather pointless...I may as well wait for Friday. I would want to see at leaset 152.6 (2 pounds less for last week and this week). I am so afraid I will still see 156, or almost worse, 155, a measly 1/2 pound loss per week.

I've waiting over 7 years for this wedding. Long, convoluted story. (And actually it was waiting for the groom / soul mate, but all that waiting accumulates in the wedding celebration ). And I've always imagined the day as magical an enchanted and myself as princess......a slender princess. Not the carrying around an extra 10 to 20 pound pretty girl. All brides look pretty. I want to look like a model. *sigh*

Still in the Negative

Grrrr.

Still beige. Which equals Negative.

Then peach == trace amount.

Then pink (small) mauve (moderate) then cranberry and burgundy, (both considered large).

Last week, when I bought the strips, (Wednesday), I was mauve/moderate. Ate carbs on Friday and Saturday, a small amount on Sunday (1 brownie and 2 bites rice crispy treat) and yesterday, none except for a slice of pumpkin roll.

So I've never hit the Large, which is my goal, and then to stay there. But I am hopeful about this diet, having lost 2 pounds only in Moderate and only for approx 3-4 days.

Now last weekend I had eaten carbs too, but was in Ketosis by Wednesday, so I should be by tomorrow, unless because I am not working out, I still have sugar stored in my muscles. Grrrr. Don't want to work out just know it's burning sugar. It's a freaking heat wave here; i can push myself through it, but only if I know I am burning far. But I don't want to waste anymore time. I have 30 pounds to lose in 2 months / 9 weeks.

3x9=27 -- 129 -- never been that thin in my adult life, maybe when 14
2x9=18  -- 138 -- been there once in adult life, size 7

I could live with 138, but I best not be any higher. I have no pics of me at that weight. I no sooner reached my goal when I moved from Alaska back to the east coast and promptly gained 10 pounds. I never saw that weight again. In the last 12 years, the lowest I've ever weighed was 147 and never more than a few weeks. (I hover around 153 and 158 when I eat right/normal).

I say I could live with 138, happy and body confidently for my life, but possibly not for the wedding. These pictures are the most important thing to me, 2nd only to the actual ceremony, exchange of vows, fiance becoming husband, etc. You know what I mean -- more than the flowers or the food, etc. Ive dreamed and dreamed of this day, this fantasy, of being a princess, of being beautiful.

I've consoled myself during times of overwhelming shame, times when I felt so fat or ugly or worthless, with the thought and the dream of this day.

To look good in pictures, (or at least, to look good in pictures the way we've been conditioned to believe "looks good") I will need to be angular. I will have to have definition in my face/cheekbones, and my arms and upper back with have to be thin enough that my shoulders are clearly defined and my shoulder blades clearly visible (not hidden under layer of fat). I don't know if that is possible at 138, I don't remember what it looks like, though I do know it's about 19% bodyfat for me. (127 is probably around 17% -- the same as most models and actresses, and yes, if my body can easily maintain it while eating Friday night pizza and at least small portion desserts over the weekend , I will probably stay there.) I am pretty sure I will need to get there for the pictures, so.....

Need to get into the purple and then stay there for the next 9 weeks (including weeekends). I already told DH that I won't be eating carbs even on weekends, not even pizza. I am very motivated and very focused, I just need to get back in fat burning mode.

The high today will be 101 degrees, feeling like 103, and with humidity ranging form 33% -- 49%.  

I don't have air conditioning (except in my car) and the gym air barely works in reg temps, let alone these. We are in excessive heat warning. I want to be in purple! Then I could work out in this. Grrrr....I hope I am in purple tomorrow, I am running out of time.

How to Plan an Elegant Wedding for under $3000

You really need to decide what is most important to you. An elegant setting and luxurious ambiance or casual atmosphere and homey decor.

I've longed for that elegant wedding, that fairytale princess moment when, surrounded by luxury, grace, and beauty, you realize that this is the moment, this is the day to be that princess, savor it for ever...I've longed and dreamed and fantasized about that moment for the better part of 7 years.

Thus, key elements were vital to creating, capturing and savoring that princess moment:

1) Venue / Location

2) Photographer

3) Princess Dress

Everything else is built around these elements. Thus the church was cut from the equation (sniff, sniff*), guest list paired down to 35, food being made myself, florist eliminated, decor done myself. (Sometimes being creative and perfectionist comes in handy, most times its just annoying).

The dress (amazingly) cost me $100, though I still need to have it bustled, buy the headpiece, and the undergarments.

Take venue's discount for day rates. I have to be out of mansion by 4pm.

Shop for bargains!


Wedding Reception decor: Michael's crafts

Flowers and Centerpieces. Imagine pink and white flowers cascading from a thin, elegant vase wrapped in lush greens and surrounded with crystal pink flowers, shimmering white butterflies, and flickering votive candles....

Not only did I create and put together the above centerpiece, but bought all the flowers for the buffet, cake, etc. tables, as well as other decor like candles, accents (shimmering white peacocks, etc).

Amazingly, I really think it will look like an enchanted ballroom. I was beginning to lose hope.

TOTAL COST: $102

That was buying mostly clearance at 60-70% off, some wedding stuff at 50% off, and then a coupon for 15% off the entire order.

* * *

Favors, Floral, and misc: DOLLAR STORE

Some greens, the vases, the favor boxes, the ring bearers pillow and garter belt (very elastic, won't make me feel fat by indenting my thing, and creating rolls of squishiness -- yea!)Who ever heard of a dollar store with a wedding section? Not me, a girl friend told me about it. Very odd, but handy!

Total Cost: $50

* * *

Cake Tier Stand: EBAY

I found a 3 tier cake stand on ebay for $20. That's awesome considering most start at $70 and run into the 300's. I snatched it up immediately.

* * *

Rings: Various Online Jewelers

We finally found the rings, or should I say, i finally settled on a ring setting, then scoured the Internet (and found them less expensive), paid for and ordered them....so they should be in the mail. Engagement and band were bought separate, so he is going to wait for both to come and ensure they "go" be fore proposing.

They are 10k White gold instead of 14k, and the diamond of course is a CZ -- our plan is to replace it with a real stone on our 7th anniversary.

Total Cost: $375 (instead of 670)


* * *

Misc Stuff and What I'm still working on:
There is no way I can afford the scroll wedding invitations I want. :( Or even the castle embossed invitations, so am trying to think up another idea to have fairytale like invites for my fairytale like wedding.

Bad news -- the event coordinator at mansion says the oven doesn't work, and that caterers don't use it. !!!!!!!! Um, I can't afford a caterer, so I was buying all my own stuff at BJ's, so how in the world am I supposed to cook it? Apparently, I'm not. So....cold hor dourves anyone?

FOOD

I finally found affordable chaffer pans, so I guess dinner will be cooked on the stove top (meatballs, pasta with red sauce, pasta with white sauce, french green beans). I am also making up Cesar salad.

Oh, before anyone panics, I do have a waitstaff of one -- I have someone to keep an eye on the food, refresh trays, etc. But I am buying the food myself at BJ's, cooking it the night before (since it needs to be reheated on stove top and for all I know this antiquated stove won't boil water).

Hor d'ourves
And now for the hor d'orves -- I am so excited about these! Trays and silver platters of cheeses and gourmet crackers and garnished with blueberries and pecan, decorated with greens, lush clusters of grapes, and an array of fried fruit. Everything is coming from BJ's, and the silver trays from Goodwill. I already purchased stands of ivy garland from the dollar store to wound in between the trays.

Cocktails

And I came up with these drinks (i think 4 of us actually drink alcohol, but I wanted something that seemed special and extravagant):

Punch Bowl: Cranberry juice and Ginger Ale w/ cranberries in the bottom of the bowl/glass, garnished with lime


Punch Bowl: Pineapple juice and sprite – garnished with orange

Punch Bowl: Coke Cola with vanilla ice cream and maraschino cherries
Pitcher: Ice Tea – garnished with lemon (1 Gallon / 3 liters)

On a separate table:

6 bottles of wine, 4 white, 2 red

Peach Champagne Punch – Pitcher or Bowl, haven't decided
1 cup frozen sliced peaches
2 ounces champagne
1 ounce peach schnapps (skip?)
1 ounce peach vodka
Vanilla ice cream

Ok, including the chaffer pans, the drinks and appetizers and all the food which also includes the dinner rolls and butter -- under $250.

Linens:

It's another $200 for the chair covers, table linens, plates, and silverware (those first impressions looks like linen/china/silver stuff).

And $100 for my one-person waitstaff.

So $550 total. I can't even get someone to cater food (meal and apps) for that much let alone have drinks and the linens and chair covers included. Needless to say, I am pretty happy/satisfied. It came to more than I initially estimated, but after exploring all options, this is the most cost effective. If I find myself with a little extra as the weeks approach, I am going to hire another waitstaff, atleast during cocktail hour if not also the dinner hour.

I am trying to see how much a friend of mine (a professional DJ) will DJ for 1 hour. But I still need to fly my brother in (buy his tickets), book hotel rooms, find a florist, get measurements for tuxes, buy, address, and mail invitations, get a marriage license, find a headpiece, find a hairstylist, order all the things in this post hat I've simply acquired the prices on, order cake, get proposed too and lose weight to fit into the dress.
 
But that's all. No need to panic.

Cheap Class B@%$#

Some really rude guy called me a cheap class b*%$# in reply to a craigslist post because I would pay money for a live musician to play classical music in the ballroom but simply wanted a caterer to drop me off meatballs for food. He claimed to be some CIA chef graduate and then bade me farewell adding that he hoped I got sick (on the meatballs).

Um, what was the point? Does he really think I will suddenly see the "error of my ways", kiss his feet, and refinance my foreclosed home just so he can caterer my wedding. I wouldn't go near a creep like that with a 30-inch pole, let alone give him a cent of my non-existent money.

For crying out loud, the little Italian restaurant up the street wants to charge me $280 for meatballs and ziti to feed 35 people. It can not possibly cost this much -- which is why I am now catering the food myself.

I know...it sounds crazy. But I want an elegant affair without the price tag. Actually, if I had the money, I would gladly pay it. My desire would be an orchestra or atleast a dozen strings, white gloved waiters, and more food than is possible to eat with 200 some guests, but I don't have it. So everything is supposed to be that vision scaled back.

*sigh*

I bet that guy isn't really a chef...but a lonely, fat dork who sits at his comp all day long with no life, looking at porn or scanning craigslist to see who he can write nasty messages to.

How to Plan a Wedding in 2 months....

Don't.

You don't like that answer? Well, then here is a tip:

Don't set your heart on a particular date:

So after getting my heart ripped to pieces and kicking myself for not putting a deposit down for the 17th, we have actually been able to lengthen our honeymoon 33%. September 3rd is the Friday of Labor Day weekend, so now we can stay at the hotel Fri, Sat, and Sun night adding an extra night to the original plan.

Fortunately the photographer was willing to reschedule a small photoshoot she had lined up that day and will still shoot my wedding.

Everything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

Oh, the oven doesn't work? How am I supposed to cook the food for my guests?

Oh, you can't afford to fly out so I need to fly you myself?

Oh, the grand piano in the ballroom has disappeared?

*#@$%^%(&*^%$

Happy Birthday

To try and catch up from a long weekend:

Thursday -- my birthday, in ketosis fat burning-mode (purple on pee stick), got devastating news that the mansion is booked on 9/17 (the wedding date planned as it is anniversary of when we first met in person)

Friday -- weigh-in day -- 156.6 -- FINALLY lost 2 pounds. Love this new diet. Am almost disappointed going out to dinner with friends to favorite restaurant (Outback) and will leave ketosis. Girlfriend and I went to mansion, booked last remaining day -- 9/3.

Had a blast, ate surprisingly well, though drank alot. :)

Saturday -- very light pink on stick / no longer in ketosis. Was going to eat back on diet, but gave in abit.

Sunday -- church 4th of July picnic, ate VERY well -- burger with no roll, deviled eggs, only drank water, gave in an had 1 brownie and 2 small bites rice crispy treats. (All other food that day was protein). Took fiance to Mansion, showed him the beautiful grounds and ballroom.

Monday -- extra day off, still peeing n the negative (not even pink). Ate protein all day, around 700-800 calories till I gave in and had some pumpkin roll. I need to get back into the purple, I am NOT tempted to eat when I am in fat-burning mode. This negative mode is killing me. And I'm not motivated to go work out, want to wait till I'm in the purple and know that every calorie burned is from fat.

Tuesday -- as we speak. Still in the negative. GRRRR!!!! How long does it freaking take? Maybe I need to workout, but too busy planning a wedding in only 2 months and procrastinating on packing while blaming the heatwave for lethargy and lack of motivation.

Ketosis

I am trying an new plan. Not really, just more of a strict version of the old. I better lose more than 2 pounds a week though. I'd need a steady 3 to stick with this / keep my motivation and will power up.

Of course, since I am losing NOTHING, maybe I should be happy with 2.

I'm wondering if this has to do with quitting smoking -- that I can't seem to lose it. I don't know.

Anyway, my new plan is.......ketosis.

Before anyone panics, all that means is your body is using stored fat for energy. You have to deprive it of carbs (its usual energy source) and eat enough protein that its not turning to muscle. Most low carb diets have this in mind, BUT many of them don't go low enough or if you give yourself a carb treat even one day a week, you can defeat the whole purpose -- what I believe has been happening to me.

It takes several hours to up to 3 days to enter Ketosis, so

Friday night, Pizza, I exit Ketosis, I don't resume low carb diet till Monday.
By Wednesday or Thursday, I enter Ketosis, and less then 2 days later, it's Friday night and I exit again.

So....I will be eating no carbs this weekend. That will be hard. The only way I will be able to do this for 2 months and 17 days if is if I am losing 3 pounds a week. Once I get out of the 150's, I will be much more motivated as well. DH first met me at 147. My goal is AT LEAST 137 by wedding, though I am really hoping for 127 (hey, the camera adds 10 pounds). The weight I hope to be able to maintain is 137. (I'd love to maintain 127, I just don't think I can get my body to naturally maintain that.)

As for health risks / isn't Ketosis dangerous, etc., etc. -- No. Well, if you're diabetic you could run into some problems. But no, not really. There's alot of confusion surrounding it, but ketosis just means your body is producing more ketones than normal and those that it doesn't need it expels as waste, through urine and breath.

So....off to the stone for some breath mints and ketostix (50 sticks for $15, you pee on it and if it turns purple, you are in Ketosis. Seeing that little stick is going to help me over the weekend say no to all carbs*).

I really, REALLY hope I lose more than 2 pounds a week. 2 pounds is what a normal diet and exercise is supposed to do. I would hate to forgo ALL sugar and all drinking and all breads and past and pizza just to lose the same as what normal people on normal diets lose. *sigh*

*One must stay under 30 carbs to enter Ketosis, during the week I eat under 20; over the weekend I will stay under 30 and check with the Ketostix to ensure I am not eating too much.

PS -- I just remembered it's my birthday tomorrow and friday night me, DH and whole bunch of friends are going to outback, my favorite restaurant, where I am getting coconut shrimp, bloomin onion, cocktails, and dessert. *sigh*.

Ok, AFTER that, I will not be eating carbs until goal weight.

 %^$#%&%

Wedding Plans Moving Ahead

I just may pull this off.

I am so excited.

Try pulling an elegant Wedding off for $2000 in 2 months and 17 days.
[The picture is of an engagement ring set inside the wedding band.]

The only thing I am waiting on before sending out invitations is for the Venue to get back to me. I called a million times yesterday but no answer and even left messages saying "I want to give you money!" Actually, I just said I want to put down a deposit, I do realize they probably don't want their beautiful mansion overtaken by a psycho.

But anyway....I stripped all my grand ideas and plans down to what I really wanted which  is the photographer and the setting. I found a photographer. And I am stunned. I was really thinking I wouldn't find what I wanted for under $1000, but I did. I am so excited. I love her work. She has very similar vision as I (I'm a semi-professional wedding and portrait photographer),  and I am so confident to have her shoot my wedding.

Second is the beautiful stone mansion (hereafter referred to as the castle) I wanted to get married at the first moment I saw it. Outside a authentic castle in Europe, I've not seen anything as beautiful as this.

I am going to be a princess for a day, and have the photographs to remember it for always. :)

If the mansion/castle doesn't have the date I'm looking for (the year anniversary of when we first met-in-person), I will book it on a random Friday. I'd say earlier but I probably won't be at goal, so I guess later, but hopefully not so late the leaves turn. I want the garden lush and green.

Oh, and after 4 hours of searching, I found the ring. Woo-hoo. That is not to say, it only took 4 hours. It's taken months, but then took 4 hours on Internet searching for the same one 50% less. :)

Movies and Nudity

Before I rant, I really, really hope that I am not the only one who feels this way. I guess it doesn't really matter, but if I'm the only one, then it is my problem, my fault, my issue, and I should just get over it, live with it, deal with it, move on, not let it bother me, etc.

Anyway...

An actual terror comes over me at the thought of going to see or renting an R-rated movie, (or even some Pg-13 movies), with my significant other, if I know it has an actress in it who flaunts her body, or is playing a character that flaunts her body, and obviously worse, if she is naked.

Esp when the only point is for the male audience to be lusting after her. The more she takes off, the uglier I become. Shame overflows me and I spend the rest of the movie hating myself, feeling absolutely ugly, and mentally planning how not to eat for the next several months or berating myself for what I’ve already eaten that day/week/month and how I am the only one to blame for not being beautiful / not achieving my ideal weight.

I don't need to see some random guys dick to call something pornography. If she's naked, and breathing heavy, in the throes of passion, acting all orgasmic, it's pornography. And not only would I not want my significant other watching porn, I definitely don't want to be sitting right there next to him while he does.

My things become bigger and bigger, and the humongous fat between the upper area such an ugly, blubbery mass of ugliness. My arms are huge, my things are huge, my butt is disgusting, and, if that wasn't enough, my stomach is so disfigured from my pregnancy when I was 19 that even when....IF.....I reach goal, there is no chance at my being completely free or sexy without hiding.

I say IF since my body seems to REFUSE to lose weight even though it's scientifically and mathematically impossible. (I burned 800 calories at the gym today, stayed on the elliptical for over an hour). I am contemplating going on a liquid diet, though I don't see the point -- meaning, if I consume 800 calories (440 of them being from protein to ensure I consume the 110 grams needed to maintain my muscle), what difference does it make if they are liquid or chewable. I would think digesting means you would burn more calories.

I feel like screaming. Inside I am screaming. I feel so freaking, horribly ugly. Actually, I will rephrase that. I don't feel ugly. I know -- mentally -- that I am pretty. I feel so unsexy. So not what any man would want. Sure, i guess they could block out the sight of my stomach, but I just feel that if I was walking around in an outfit trying to be sexy in a room full of model-thin girls, I would be invisible and worth nothing and last choice. And I am so freaking sick of being fat / too heavy to feel sexy or like I have the right to even try to act sexy. I am too fat. There is way too much squishiness for me to act like I am

I think the porn industry is destroying marriages, because if I feel like this at a size 10 at 5'5, I can't even imagine how a soccer mom in a size 12 or 14 or 16 feels, esp if her poor stretched out stomach has seen 2 or 3 kids. And it's not even so much the porn industry, its what Naomi Wolf calls beauty porn -- the "sex sells everything" advertisement that prevails, with every ultra-thin, half-dressed young woman's expression being that of anticipating orgasm. And she notes, that it's not "sex sells" it's that "sexual DISSATISFACTION sells", because if committed men and women, husband and wives were happily fueling their passions into each other, they wouldn't need the product being sold that "promised" it.

With the barrage of underweight, perfect (ie. airbrushed), and fake (ie -- you can't have boobs and have a bf of 17% or less) images thrown at us thousands of times a day that we know our men are also seeing, it's no wonder women come to bed feeling less than, wanting to do it in the dark, or not wanting to do it at all, so he doesn't feel our squishy imperfections.

I will end with this note, also by Naomi Wolf:

If a girl's only window on male sexuality were a stream of easily available, well-lit, cheap images of young men in their late teens/early 20's smiling encouraging and readily cuddly erect the color of roses or mocha, she might well look at, masturbate to, and, as an adult, "need" beauty pornography based on the bodies of men. And if those initiating penises were shown to the girl as pneumatically erectile, swerving neither left nor right, tasting of cinnamon or forest berries, innocent of random hairs, and ever ready; if they were presented alongside their measurements, lengths, and circumference to the quarter inch; if they seemed to be available to her with no troublesome personality attached; if her sweet pleasure seemed to be the only reason for them to exist -- then a real men would probably approach the bed of their lovers with, to say the least, a failing heart.

I wish men would just try to imagine living in a world where the above bombarded from every direction -- commercials, billboards, movies, TV shows, magazine covers, music videos, etc. -- all the while telling them quite clearly that this was the ONLY way they could be worthwhile, be found sexy and attractive, and have any happiness, that is was the sole basis for their self-esteem, that strength, career, status, and prestige (comparable to a girl-smarts, creativity, etc.) was so secondary to their self-worth that it was almost non-existent. I would like THAT man to ever complain again that his wife doesn't initiate it often enough, doesn't like to be touched, or wants to do it in the dark.

Weigh-in

I weighed in Friday morning (my usual weigh-in day) and lost .2 pounds. Point Two.

This is despite the fact that I created a calorie deficit of 1750 on Thursday, 1000 in my eating and 750 in exercise. (Ate 1000 less than needed to maintain my weight, burned off 750 calories by 2 miles on elliptical, 3+ miles on the treadmill, and 18 minutes of high-impact Jillian Michaels Cardio DVD).

Mathematically, scientifically, whatever you want to call it, I created enough of a deficiency to have lost 1/2 a pound Thursday. 1/2 a pound just on Thursday, let alone that i worked out Wednesday and stuck to my diet all week.

And, unless I decide to elope, which would devastate me, there is no way in heck I can afford to get married in September. My stripped down list of cost and 35 guest list amounts to $4500 and we have $800 and can only realistically save $100 a week, which would bring us to March.

It's already hard enough living together and not having sex, I don't really feel like waiting another 6 months, though that would make it exactly 5 years since I last had sex.

I am so heartbroken right now, on top of feeling so ridiculously ugly. I want to scream and rage. I want to claw the fat off my body. I can't articulate well how I feel right now. I hope I am not the only normal weighted person who feels this way. I hate being alone....with my self-hatred and frustrations and self-consciousness.

Blogging instead of Running

Yup. Instead of running / going to the gym, or even packing for that matter (NOTHING is packed), I sit at my computer and blog as though there are people out there who actually care about whether or not I did my workout, what my wedding plans are, etc.

*sigh*

I think it's the whole concept of feeling like maybe you're not alone. maybe there are people out there who can totally relate and you don't have to keep everything all bottle up inside. I wish I had a girlfriend, a real, live bonifide girlfriend. I have two friends I met within the last year and a half -- girls from my church. We occasionally get together and do stuff, (one of whom tricked me into trying on a wedding dress), but we are not close enough to be really real with, if you know what I mean. I don't feel at all comfortable opening up to the one (she just repeats everything, or talks about the personal stuff you shared with her to you in a room full of people at regular volume. I can't believe how many times she's done this!) Anyway, the other one, is very closed up and withdrawn and refuses to open up to me, though she is the one I know I could trust and open up to, but it not being mutual makes for a very difficult close relationship.

I moved alot as a child, and never went to school, so though I had the occasional playmate (if we were living in a neighborhood), I never had any friends. Back then they were all guy friends anyway, cuz I was such a tomboy. I had a boy's bike (I would never ride a sissy, banana seat bike; I wanted the blue and black BMX that the boy rode standing up, with one foot on steering and one on seat!). And I got, lol. For my 7th birthday. I was so short I had to stick it in the street while I stood on the curb just to get on.

Anyway, my family was....strange. I don't want to divulge too much, but it was very cult-like. I wasn't really allowed to have friends, one of many reasons I wasn't allowed to go to school. And because of the abuse by my father (not sexual, but very hard to explain -- it was emotional and psychological and if there was ever a list called: How to destroy your daughter's self-esteem and make her feel absolutely worthless, and never be good enough or deserve love, teach her she must earn forgiveness for even the slightest flaw and even then will have any past mistakes thrown in her face to prove her worthlessness so that she lives life almost 2 decades later so full of shame at even the slightest mistake and often feeling like she doesn't deserve to exist because she isn't good enough/earned the right to....if there was such a list, my father followed it to a T for 31/2 years (from 14 to 17 when I got married and ran away, the first time).

Anyway, I have very little social skills and often feel very socially awkward. I run and hide anytime I see someone I know in a store because 1) I am ashamed at how ugly I look, and 2) I have no idea what to say and just stammer and look stupid after I manage a weak "hi". So as you can see, a very shy and withdrawn person who is terrified of meeting new people would have much difficulty making friends. *sigh*

Now that is not so say I am not better now. I am. My DF has an ex who was anti-social, abusive, broke up every friendship he had, and isolated him from his parents. When I visited/met them last Christmas and some old friends of his came over I noticed there were all outside (the friends) in the snow. He was out there too, and so I just grabbed my coat and told his mom I was going out to introduce myself / let myself be introduced. She was almost in tears, so happy that he was with a "normal" person. And I did, with no fear of shame, etc. I am very secure in his love for me (and I've never been that way any other man before) and am not fearful to meet new people. That however, doesn't mean I suddenly know how to be a social butterfly, or make friends, or get people (who have a million friends already) to not only add me to their friend list, but want me to be their best friend. Most people's best friends stem form childhood, high school, or college. I had none of those experiences.

But anyway, I do have alot of acquaintances now, because I will just walk up to people and say hi. I find so often that I look at people (especially thin, beautiful girls) like they are not a real person. They are perfect and their very existence makes it very clear that I am worthless. I have found however, that if I say something, anything, and they respond, it often shows me that they are a person. And probably a nice person. And probably have problems of their own (though most likely not looming homelessness). And that they feel not good enough or not pretty enough or at least have bad mirror days too.

The other day there was this girl on the treadmill beside me. Pretty face, thin. Probably a size 4, maybe 6 (I didn't stare that long). I started feeling so fat as I ran beside her. She ran a full mile straight (quite impressive) where as I walk/run/walk for 3 miles. I tried to ignore the feelings of shame creeping up, tried to buy myself in my Koontz book. For the most part, she never looked at me, I never looked at her. She was very focused, I was trying very hard to be focused. But the point is, when she finished her mile, she was breathless and cooling down and I noticed she was in long sleeves. I looked straight at her and said, "Aren't you hot?"

She took her ipod earpiece out and I repeated myself and she gave a half laugh and said yes but she wanted to sweat it out. She went back to her workout and I went back to mine, but in that instant she was no longer this perfect model-lookalike who was everything I wasn't. She was just a person. She was human. Sure she was thinner than me, but she was just a girl, a girl trying to find her way in this world as much as I was.

That probably makes no sense. And I have just spent the last 45 minutes writing my third blog post of the day and even if I want to sit here and imagine that the whole world, or even just a handful of girls, are out there hinging on every word I write and can't wait to see what else happens in the drama of my life, I will never get thin or fit into my wedding dress by sitting on my butt and blogging. So I must go, and hopefully workout.

Wish me luck!

Unofficial Wedding Plans -- Part 2

....because of the dress.

Yes, the one and only thing official about this wedding thus far, is that I have the dress.

And it's gorgeous. (As gorgeous as a size 10 dress could be, but I'll never get my ribs in something smaller anyway). And best of all, it's almost medieval fantasy.

This is the story of how I got my dress.

Last year, a month after finally meeting my boyfriend in person (we met online in a Christian fantasy writers forum), my girlfriends and I went to David's just to look around. Well, the one girl decided to trick me into trying on a dress. She acted like she wanted to try one on, but wouldn't if I didn't do it too, made me go first, and all along never had any intention of doing so.

But anyway, here's the thing: I was NEVER going to buy a dress from David's. I had already collected business cards from designers at the Renaissance Faire and was going to have a dress custom made for me, like a white, pouffy version of something Arwen would wear.

I felt very guilty taking up the salesperson's time as I tried to explain that I wanted something medieval/fantasy-style. She told me the only that was even remotely similar was this ballroom style gown with a lace coat. I took one look at it (in the bag) and said, that's not what I'm talking about.

This is when my girlfriend stepped in and pulled her trick.

So I find myself in the dressing room, being buttoned into a size 34D corset (i was thinner last year, lost weight to meet my boyfriend), then this dress (off-white, btw) pulled over my head. Finally, I step out and my girlfriends gasp. The one starts tearing up and says, you look like Cinderella.

I looked in the mirror and I swear, I have NEVER felt as beautiful in my entire life. I was shocked. I've never had such a pronounced waist or a flat stomach since giving birth to my son at 19 -- of course all that was the corset, but at that lower weight, the corset took away what would have jumped out at me as ugliness and I was able to see the rest of me, the whole of me, and see the beauty of the gown, the medieval flair it had (as the salesperson said).

Now, I had almost no money in the bank. I have no credit cards. And I even reiterated to the sales lady that I was having one custom made from the Renn Faire. But she is in full sales-lady mode and says, just let me go see if it's on sale (from $600), writes the barcode numbers down and walks away. Uh-huh. I am flat broke. I'm reminding myself of this. That I have no money. That I want one fully medieval (which was going to cost about $2000 and I have no idea where that money would magically appear from).  She comes back and takes the tag directly from the dress, saying "I must have written the numbers down wrong, it says it's only $100. I laughed and said, if it's $100 I will buy it.

She returned a few moments later and said, you have yourself a wedding dress.

My jaw hit the floor. I looked in the mirror. I drank in the feeling of feeling beautiful. A simple alteration to the sleeves of the lace coat could make it as medieval as I needed it to be, and there was probably no chance in hell I would ever have $2000 anyway.

The she informs me that it's the last dress they have and it's discontinued (thus the low price).

Just then, boyfriend calls and asks what I'm doing. I hesitantly tell him, wondering if he'd be typical guy (met girl in person, a month later she's trying on wedding gowns). He asked if I liked it, I told him I never felt so beautiful in my life. He said: Buy it.

And so, that is the story of how I got my dress.

However....I weighed somewhere between 149 and 155 at that time. The dress fit fairly well except that I was hanging over the top (it's strapless. My chest and fat was squeezed up and out. I figure it was only about 10 pounds that needed losing, and if I lost more, I would just have the waist taken in. Alas, I now weigh 158.8. In the very least, I HAVE to lose 20 pounds in 2 months and 23 days or the one thing I actually have official for this wedding, I won't have at all. I feel as though all my dreams of feeling like a princess hang on this Cinderella-dress.

My waist does not do that in real life, one of the reasons I felt so beautiful. An idea I have for the sleeves is to alter them so that they are the long flowing sleeves like Arewn has in LOTR.

Was 150 in these pictures, am now 160. And at that time, I needed to lose another 10 to fit properly (I don't think it could be buttoned all the way up in the back). In the full length one, you can see alittle bit how much I am spilling out over the top, but the coat and my hair help cover. At the wedding though, I want to be able to take the coat off during the reception and don't want to have to hope my hair is always covering my fat. I want to be confident. I don't want to hide from the camera, or alter, tug, or fix before every picture. I want to be free and know I am beautiful and just smile and enjoy my day being a princess.

Unofficial Wedding Plans -- Part 1

2 months, 23 days till my wedding.

Mind you, a wedding that has absolutely no deposits set down, no officiates notified, etc. I know where I want it to take place, (a stone castle-looking mansion, with includes the beautiful low-stone walled gardens, the main ballroom for the reception, and this gorgeous, Victorian-styled sitting room with full length mirrors, makeup tables, a fireplace, etc.

I attend a very contemporary church, not much in the way of looks as far as beautiful, Gothic architecture, etc. so I am probably just renting an altar for communion and a cross. My plan is to set up an area of the ballroom as a sanctuary where we will say our vows. I will decorate the cross with white roses and ribbon, and probably have some sort of archway type thing as well, maybe those imitation stone columns.



Because we have no money, I will have to book it for a Friday day (be out by 4pm) and last year they told me that was a highly unusual thing and it probably wouldn't be booked -- it's only 800 for a weekday. Since DF's father is a probitionist, there won't be any drinking (except for wines), so it's not like I would have one of those long into the night, drinking and dancing wedding anyway.

However, I am going to have an after-party. I only thought of this last week (been planning the wedding for a year): bowling.

Ok, it's different, and it's not like I'm good at the game.....but:

There's a bar, so people can drink (of their own accord). There's pizza (my reception will be light Italian fair, so ppl will be hungry by then). And I will buy the first round of lanes, pizza, soda, etc. (low 100's,). And around 10, the lights go down, the colored strobes come out, and it's more like a night club setting.

Not exactly traditional, I realize, but it's the best I can do.

So anyway, other than needing to book the mansion, I need

A caterer. I haven't decided if I'm going to just buy food somewhere and have friends cook it (pay church ppl to cook it, or if I can order out and set up a nice looking buffet, or what. I'd love to hire butlers but don't think that's going t happen, but either way, it's just going to be a light reception, with Italian food (to justify the wine, lol).

A string quartet. Since know one is going to be smashed or doing the chicken, etc and since the original plan was to have a full-fledged, medieval, fantasy fairytale wedding, I am still trying to incorporate some of that in. Thus, I am skipping a DJ (they play the latest dance pop at the bowling alley anyway), and wish to hire a string quartet to play not just the usual waltz's but the themes from many Disney princess movies, particularly Sleeping Beauty and Snow White.

A photographer. This is as important to me as the mansion itself. They go hand in hand. I'm suffered with severe body image issues since I was 14. I feel like I've spent 17 years trying to lose weight and feel good about myself, and I've dreamed about finding my prince, being beautiful, and feeling like a princess. And I want a million different bridal-magazine posed shots. The grounds at this mansion are out-of-this world. You feel like you've stepped back in time, into an English countryside where the Duke of so-and-so lives. Garden after garden, a gazebo, stone galleries and balconies and steps leading from one to the other and trees and a pond and black wrought iron, and if you're not salivating, I'll never be able to explain it. I am tearing up as I type, it's the most beautiful place I've ever seen and IF I can lose the weight, I WILL look like a princess, because........

...see the next post:

Extreme Emotional Rollarcoaster

So I'm already panicky about the whole house thing and my mom calls to tell me a friend knows 3 people who were forclosed upon and then evicted without notice and all thier furniture and stuff confiscated. Naturally, this threw me into a panic and called legal aid to find out if that was true. No one was answering thier phones or calling me back, so I smoked 2 cigarettes, trying to stave off the tears, wondering if I would return home from work to find the locks had been changed.

A few hours later, and another cigarette later, I am told that no, I have to be served notice first and that I have about 30 - 60 days before that happens.

*huge sigh of relief*

So.....when I do get home that night, though still emotionally wrung out as though traumatized, I find in my inbox a contract from an agent who wants to represent my book! And she will be pitching it this weekend at a conference! Woo-hoo! Lol, I will be the Christian version of rags-to-riches like JK Rowling.

Homeless, single mom writes best-selling fantasy novel, now lives in castle.

(ok, maybe that' s dreaming a bit)

But could a day get any more extreme in its highs and lows???

I haven't been to the gym since last thrusday. Hopefully, I will go tonight.  

Thin by wedding? Fat chance. :(

*sigh*

It's not exactly that I overate this weekend, just that everything I did eat was WAY off my diet. I refuse to get on the scale. I'm sure it says something like 163 or even 165. How the heck do I expect to lose weight, especially the amount I need to lose, if I only eat right 4 days a week.

Grrrrr! I am so conditioned to treat myself (ie. pig out) on the weekends, (which basically worked in my 20's), but alas, not so much 30's.

Ok, so I need to come up with some way of getting myself to stick to diet even on weekends, or at least, only having 1 treat day -- not 2.5 (Friday night through Sunday).

I bought what looks like a very interesting book. It's called Hungry and it's about this women who was a anorexic model and finally said the hell with this, started eating, and became a gorgeous plus-size model. I'm going to read it while on the treadmill. Usually I read Koontz (very easy to stay on treadmill for desired length, sometimes more), but I just started a new one and can't seem to get into it yet.

Also bought a workbook on how to stop emotional eating. Hopefully they cover something in there about reconditioning the belief that weekends = pigout. This is practically my life for the last 17 years:

Workweek -- Diet
Weekend -- Binge
Workweek -- Diet
Weekend -- Binge

Maybe I need to go on a fast. A nice, healthy, V8 fusion juice fast. Even if I only did that till I reached 150/149, at least then I would be fully motivated to push myself. It would be much easier to NOT pig out on the weekends if I was thin. When you're fat, er, attractively squishy, (that's my attempt at being nice to myself, per the body image experts), it's much harder. Then again, when thin, it's like, oh, I can treat myself, I am thin.

WHY CAN'T I GET IT THROUGH MY THICK HEAD THAT "TREAT" DOESN'T EQUATE WITH 3 DAYS OF SPLURGING!?!?!?!

  

Demonic Blood Pressure Machine

Ok, so yesterday was a really bad day, considering the fact that all my attempts to stall the Sheriff's sale was denied, the short sale realtor wouldn't bother faxing the necessary papers over, and legal aid warned me not to file a bankruptcy just as stall tactic, and the mortgage company told me it was possible that the person who bought the house tomorrow could give me a 3-day eviction notice (not only am I not packed, but I have no where to go).

So after making arrangements to have my son go to Maryland with my mom for a few weeks and my cat going to my ex's, with the plan of a getting a storage unit and sleeping in my car (my poor fiance, I have no idea how or why he loves me enough to stay with me for all of this, or even having flown out here and leaving everything behind knowing this is what he was getting himself in for). Anyway....

So I am in wal-mart buying bubble wrap (for my china) and packing tape when I decide to get my blood pressure checked. I innocently sit down at the machine and while the evil suction band of death squeezes the life out of my arm, I read the stuff on the desk-like thing in front of me.

"This machine is calibrated for the average arm measurement of 9-13 inches. If your arm is larger or smaller, you may not receive an accurate reading."

Excuse me????

You're telling me I have larger arms than the average guy????

(Having taken my measurements only just last week, I know for a fact that my arms are 13 1/4 in circumference.)

When I relate all this to DF (dear fiance), he says, so what's the problem, you don't think you got an accurate reading?

?????

Are guys really that clueless?

I try to explain, and he says I'm obsessed, obsessed with diets, obsessed with numbers, obsessed with the way I look. Um, I am a girl, at 26 - 28 % body fat, living in a culture where 10 pounds underweight (17% bf) is screamed at me from every direction as the only way to look sexy, get and keep a man, etc. Where not only I am inundated with images of this so-called perfection but as is he. I am constantly bombarded with the message to compete, compete, compete, and work, work, work to reach an ideal weight. Whether by starvation, countless hours at the gym, or even surgery. So the last thing I need is to have some stupid machine tell me my arms are larger than the average man's.

The conversation did not end well, and I resolved never to talk to him again about this subject, and thus was born this idea....to blog about it.

Now granted, I admit that I have body image problems stemming from childhood (where I had severe body image problems). In fact, I know of no one who has suffered from the crippling, over-whelming feelings of shame that I have/do concerning my looks. But regardless, I am not the only girl who would be devastated to discover she has fatter arms than the average guy.

I even googled it today to see if the machine was wrong. Nope, the average man has a bicep of 12-13.

I can not describe the shame I feel as I write this.

:(