I will try to explain the root of my body image problem.
Things my father taught me:
Only perfection deserves any merit
Perfection is how you earn approval and acceptance
2nd place (anything less than perfection) is failure (not as applied to sports, just in general)
Things both my parents taught me:
All a man wants is sex
If you don't satisfy a man often enough, he will cheat
Nudity in a movie makes a man lust
Things the men in my life have taught me:
Father had a secret porn stash
Ex-husband had a secret porn stash
Thus, I am not good enough unless I look like a model/actress and he will mentally ravish other women in his mind or imagine I look like them when he's with me because I fall short and thus am worthless. I am not pretty enough or of value enough to be mentally faithful with.
Things the media has taught me:
Men want tiny waists, narrow hips, thin thighs, and big boobs
All men look / lust
Compare yourself to all these "prefect bodied" women and do everything in your power to try and emulate them.
Hate your age.
Hate your weight.
Hate every part of your body.
Do these things to make your man want you.
Don't get far, squishy, etc.
Do this to look better naked.
Do this to be better in bed.
Contradictions we must reconcile and live by:
Order a salad.
Don't be one of those girls who can't eat or just eat a salad -- guys hate that.
Communicate with your man.
Don't talk about your insecurities -- that makes you unattractive.
(So hold it all in and try not to cry and then when you can't bear for him to look at you say you have a headache).
Buy a VS Love My Body push up bra which will transform any woman of any size into a volumptious vixen. (So what the hell happens when you're in bed and the bra comes off????). Love your body IN the bra because now you measure up....then what?
I realize maximizing my bust is not an issue for me, but I still remember the days when I was much smaller and felt so inadequate and wore every padded push up bra I could find. And I remember the terror of someone finding out I wasn't really that big/pretty/high value. But I can presently relate in the sense of a corset. I have excess skin that just sits in a huge bulge from my disfigured belly button to my panty line. Sexy, huh? While everyone and their mother -- both in real life and on TV/Movies where low rise jeans and short tops and show off their bare midriffs I am forced to keep covered and hide my ugliness. And even then, there is a bulge. No matter how tight my jeans, or whether I wear that ugly underwear shaper thing, there is the bulge. All I can do is pray that someday (before I get too old for it to make a difference), I can afford a tummy tuck. Ironically, I don't even need a true tummy tuck, my abs are hard as a rock, I just need the blasted loose skin removed.
So anyway....even when I reach goal weight, even if every other part of me was thin and toned, in any full frontal nudity pose / position, I will still be ugly. And even if not "ugly" definitely not comparable to any model/actress or live girl walking around baring her midriff in front of man every time he walks out the door. I will always be second best (or third, fourth, whatever -- the point is I will NEVER measure up, until goal weight and plastic surgery. And DF has voiced concerns about the scar and how it looks like Frankenstein and like the woman looks cut in half, etc. So even then, though much more confident, if I see his eyes going right to the scar, I will still not feel like I measure up).
I feel like crap now....even more so than before.
I'm going to go workout.
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