Still in the Negative

Grrrr.

Still beige. Which equals Negative.

Then peach == trace amount.

Then pink (small) mauve (moderate) then cranberry and burgundy, (both considered large).

Last week, when I bought the strips, (Wednesday), I was mauve/moderate. Ate carbs on Friday and Saturday, a small amount on Sunday (1 brownie and 2 bites rice crispy treat) and yesterday, none except for a slice of pumpkin roll.

So I've never hit the Large, which is my goal, and then to stay there. But I am hopeful about this diet, having lost 2 pounds only in Moderate and only for approx 3-4 days.

Now last weekend I had eaten carbs too, but was in Ketosis by Wednesday, so I should be by tomorrow, unless because I am not working out, I still have sugar stored in my muscles. Grrrr. Don't want to work out just know it's burning sugar. It's a freaking heat wave here; i can push myself through it, but only if I know I am burning far. But I don't want to waste anymore time. I have 30 pounds to lose in 2 months / 9 weeks.

3x9=27 -- 129 -- never been that thin in my adult life, maybe when 14
2x9=18  -- 138 -- been there once in adult life, size 7

I could live with 138, but I best not be any higher. I have no pics of me at that weight. I no sooner reached my goal when I moved from Alaska back to the east coast and promptly gained 10 pounds. I never saw that weight again. In the last 12 years, the lowest I've ever weighed was 147 and never more than a few weeks. (I hover around 153 and 158 when I eat right/normal).

I say I could live with 138, happy and body confidently for my life, but possibly not for the wedding. These pictures are the most important thing to me, 2nd only to the actual ceremony, exchange of vows, fiance becoming husband, etc. You know what I mean -- more than the flowers or the food, etc. Ive dreamed and dreamed of this day, this fantasy, of being a princess, of being beautiful.

I've consoled myself during times of overwhelming shame, times when I felt so fat or ugly or worthless, with the thought and the dream of this day.

To look good in pictures, (or at least, to look good in pictures the way we've been conditioned to believe "looks good") I will need to be angular. I will have to have definition in my face/cheekbones, and my arms and upper back with have to be thin enough that my shoulders are clearly defined and my shoulder blades clearly visible (not hidden under layer of fat). I don't know if that is possible at 138, I don't remember what it looks like, though I do know it's about 19% bodyfat for me. (127 is probably around 17% -- the same as most models and actresses, and yes, if my body can easily maintain it while eating Friday night pizza and at least small portion desserts over the weekend , I will probably stay there.) I am pretty sure I will need to get there for the pictures, so.....

Need to get into the purple and then stay there for the next 9 weeks (including weeekends). I already told DH that I won't be eating carbs even on weekends, not even pizza. I am very motivated and very focused, I just need to get back in fat burning mode.

The high today will be 101 degrees, feeling like 103, and with humidity ranging form 33% -- 49%.  

I don't have air conditioning (except in my car) and the gym air barely works in reg temps, let alone these. We are in excessive heat warning. I want to be in purple! Then I could work out in this. Grrrr....I hope I am in purple tomorrow, I am running out of time.