The Scale

I didn't bring the scale.

Intentionally.

I decided to measure myself by jean size instead, since I have my skinny jeans (that haven't fit in 12 years) and my goal has been there and then whatever the scale said that was my goal weight. That was approx 135-138 pounds.

I have not been able to work out as much as before. :( My boyfriend's car is spurting gas so is still at the old house so I have to take him to work in the morning and pick him up. My commute to work has doubled each way, plus I have to get him, and he's not on the way, and I've had to stop by the old house and load up my car and I am tanning religiously as the wedding is only 4 weeks away and otherwise I would be albino-girl, and there just hasn't been enough hours in the day. My Jillian DVD's which intentionally didn't get packed so I would have them on my person and they couldn't get lost GOT LOST and it took 4 days before I found them. When I found them, I did them almost religiously until I finally got Internet, and then due to having major wedding emergencies (like a wedding ring that got shipped back to sender!!!!!) that it just fell by the wayside.

And now, despite my calmness and my relaxing abit and allowing my self to eat carbs "guilt-free" on the weekend since there is no scale to tell me how fat and ugly I am, I am starting to wonder if it was a bad idea to leave it behind. Because I am not as motivated/dedicated now that there isn't a device here to remind me that I am not light enough / thin enough to relax and enjoy life.

Sigh.

The other things is I want to know how much I weigh on my wedding day. What if I made it to goal and then didn't know? But what if I don't, and I get on the scale a day or two before and am depressed and mentally feel ugly.

Oh....I tried on my dress. It fits PERFECTLY....without undergarments. So as long as whatever bra/corset I find doesn't create bulges, I should be good. The last time I was on a scale (2 weeks ago) I had lost the 20 pounds I'd gained from quitting smoking. :) :) :)

I can wear some size 8 clothes, but mostly size size 10. My skinny jeans are a junior size 7.  Basically, I am a size 8 jean right now. I am an 8 in regular jeans, but since I wear juniors I wear a 10 (need room to allow for hips/butt). So since I almost ALWAYS wear juniors, I am a 10 mentally and emotionally. And my goal is a 7, which is a normal size 6.

In all honestly, my goal, albeit unrealistically, would be a 3. But I doubt my hips would get to that. But at a 3 I would feel thin enough that no other person would ever make me feel fat because a 3 is thin. No matter who is smaller or not, a 3 is always thin. If I only I could get myself to feel that way about a 7.

Of course, I've recently realized and try to remind myself that -- you have to choose between ta-tas and thin (fatless) thighs/hips. You can't have both (unless surgically or digitally altered). And DF likes my hips and thighs the way they are and LOVES my ta-tas.

Now, just need me to love and like my body and relax and not feel like every girl out there thinner than me live or on the screen -- is a threat and proves my worthlessness.

Should I go buy a scale?

I feel like I am a fool if I think/believe I am beautiful at this weight (151? 149?). Pictures will show otherwise and then I will realize I was ugly.....GRRRR.....why if I am not perfect or ultra thin does that automatically make me ugly? The lies my father taught me, the lies that form the core of all that I believe...I wish I could just rip them out, but I don't know how. I wish I could strangle him, but he is dead. I wish I could accept myself.