self-sabatoge

I'm sharing this, because I want to know if I'm the only one who self-sabatoges for this reason.

My mother lived in denial that I was being severely verbally, spiritually, and emotionally abused by my father for 4 years. Basically, he was in the right (he was a pastor), so I must be in the wrong. When I went to my mother, all I was told was I wasn't abused, I wasn't in pain, how dare I talk about my father like that, etc, etc. I was just a rebellious child who refused to be good.

My adult life is littered with more "failures", married twice by 22, married a man with a temper at 17, married a man older than my father by 22, etc., -- things that would be warning sign to any normal person that I was hurting and subconsciously trying to heal the relationship with my father, but since it was me, I was just sinning.

Years and years later, both my mother and sister recognized the damage my father did to me, they acknowledged it and validated me for the first time. But nothing really changed. They still treat me like the majority of my problems are charater flaws of my own doing.

I struggled for so long not to be invisible, to just be seen by them, to have the wounds and the holes in my soul acknowledged, to turn to those who should be closest to me in the hopes for comfort and love instead of being told I'm either not really in pain or its my fault/ mostly self-inflicted anyway.

So here's the point: If I heal, if I am strong and don't need food or cigerrettes for comfort or to numb the pain, than obviously the pain wasn't that bad, the wounds not that deep anyway. It will be "proving" what they believed all along, that they were surface wounds. That my struggles are a result of my character flaws. I will once again be completely invsible to them, after struggling for years to be seen.

So I self-sabatoge and never reach goal, becuae of a desire to be seen by 2 people I'm mosty invisible to, and who constnatly criticize and judge me in their attempt to "help" me rid myself of my character defects.

So how do I accept that they will never see me, never know the real me, that I will never have a close bond with either of them, and just move on, heal, and grow?

Does anyone else struggle with this? Feel like if you heal, than you must not have really been hurt in the first place? That if you can overcome this huge hurdle, that just means it was this tiny hump in the road that you pathetically let defeat you all these years?