"Look Good Naked"

This is what my stomach looked like since I was 19 years old. I think the "look great naked" is the most painful media headline I see. Because I can't look good naked. Not without surgery, which will take a financial miracle.

I can't wear low rise jeans, let alone a bikini. I must be an idiot to have considered wearing a bikini this summer. I tried ordering it last night and the comp froze. It must have been a sign not to waste my money.

It doesn't matter how thin I get. I will never look good. And besides, I'm not thin enough yet even if I wasn't deformed -- as evidenced by my still huge thighs with 3 -4 inches of flab still touching! Was I delusional?

The last two include both the deformed stomach and the fat, squashy thighs.  What every man wants to see walking on the beach. Oh yea, so sexy.

And don't even talk about sitting. When I sit (or lay sideways), the whole thing just collapses over into rolls. One of my worst fears is my husband roving his hand over my stomach while I'm laying sideways.

All of this bikini dreaming started because of I have this absolutely adorable vest thing that I think I could look really sexy in (wearing it over the bikini). The problem is taking it off to go swimming and/or anytime I am sitting. I can't always be in a reclined pose.

I don't know what to do. I've worked really hard to lose weight, I exercise like a maniac, and most likely I will still be hiding in a skirted tankini this year. I am so discouraged. I wanted a black bikini so bad.