self-sabatoge

I'm sharing this, because I want to know if I'm the only one who self-sabatoges for this reason.

My mother lived in denial that I was being severely verbally, spiritually, and emotionally abused by my father for 4 years. Basically, he was in the right (he was a pastor), so I must be in the wrong. When I went to my mother, all I was told was I wasn't abused, I wasn't in pain, how dare I talk about my father like that, etc, etc. I was just a rebellious child who refused to be good.

My adult life is littered with more "failures", married twice by 22, married a man with a temper at 17, married a man older than my father by 22, etc., -- things that would be warning sign to any normal person that I was hurting and subconsciously trying to heal the relationship with my father, but since it was me, I was just sinning.

Years and years later, both my mother and sister recognized the damage my father did to me, they acknowledged it and validated me for the first time. But nothing really changed. They still treat me like the majority of my problems are charater flaws of my own doing.

I struggled for so long not to be invisible, to just be seen by them, to have the wounds and the holes in my soul acknowledged, to turn to those who should be closest to me in the hopes for comfort and love instead of being told I'm either not really in pain or its my fault/ mostly self-inflicted anyway.

So here's the point: If I heal, if I am strong and don't need food or cigerrettes for comfort or to numb the pain, than obviously the pain wasn't that bad, the wounds not that deep anyway. It will be "proving" what they believed all along, that they were surface wounds. That my struggles are a result of my character flaws. I will once again be completely invsible to them, after struggling for years to be seen.

So I self-sabatoge and never reach goal, becuae of a desire to be seen by 2 people I'm mosty invisible to, and who constnatly criticize and judge me in their attempt to "help" me rid myself of my character defects.

So how do I accept that they will never see me, never know the real me, that I will never have a close bond with either of them, and just move on, heal, and grow?

Does anyone else struggle with this? Feel like if you heal, than you must not have really been hurt in the first place? That if you can overcome this huge hurdle, that just means it was this tiny hump in the road that you pathetically let defeat you all these years?

Was It Worth It?

WRITTEN MONDAY, JUNE 6th:

Over the weekend, I ate 27 points over my 49 bonus points. Amazingly, that is how much I exercised over the 3 days as well. This was not intentional, but when I noticed it Sunday, I opted for peppers with cal-free dressing for lunch (having already pointed my dinner and dessert).


So even though I haven’t really “cheated” or gone off plan, to still get 40 exercise points toward a loss this weigh-in, I will have to do 10 points a day Mon thru Thursday.

Was it worth it?

No, but not because of the exercise (though granted that is hard). Because I felt so sick on Sunday. Granted, a lot of that was because I drank too much and was hung-over, but I was sickly too. Too much grease and/or sugar. My body just isn’t used to that anymore. After I napped and finally didn’t feel hung-over, I got in 7 exercise points at high-intensity, so that was nice. But never again. Not pigging out for 3 straight days. No amount of frustration at a low weight loss is worth that. One cheat day is nice, but I didn’t need the whole weekend. Considering that was the norm, it goes to show the progress I’ve made.

UPDATE: Wednesday, June 8th. OK, getting 10 activity points a day is hard. No amount of food is worth it. Binge lesson learned.

Fortunately, I only have one day left.

Reward Changes

My goal was to reach 133 by my 33rd birthday, which at 146 and 4 weeks away, is def not going to happen. I then readjusted that goal to be 139 by my birthday. That will only be possible if I lose 2 pounds for the next  4 weeks...highly unlikely as I only lost .2 this week.

Anyway, I reached my first reward goal of 149, but lip plumpers don't work, so that reward fell to the wayside. The next reward of eyelash perm was supposed to be at 144 (when my goal was 138), but then changed to 139, when my goal changed to 129. And then a loose body wave perm was supposed to be another goal reward, but that one changed too. I don't even remember at this point.

But point is, I had no idea it was going to be such a struggle to lose this weight. Thus, I thought I would be going the summer with curled eyelashes and permed hair. And confidence.

So...I am doing both, hair and eye lashes, before my mini birthday vacation. Hubby and my's birthday are 2 days apart so we are celebrating them together, and I have surprise weekend getaway planned for him at a place he's wanted to visit for awhile now.

One other change though, I am not getting hair permed. I didn't really want it permed -- even just a loose body wave. I was going that for him, because he said that was his favorite hair style. But for memorial day, I'd braided my wet hair the night before so it would be wavy for the barbecue.

1) He didn't say anything after I'd taken all the braids out and styled it.

2) When I finally asked him if he just hadn't noticed or if he just wasn't saying anything. He said, um, let me see it (he had seen it, but now, inspected it -- that alone, told me he didn't like it

3) He said it was okay.

4) So.....i then showed him the pics I'd taken into the hairdresser as examples of what I wanted when I set up my appointment. He was equally unimpressed.

5) He then said he doesn't even remember telling me he preferred loose wavy hair, and that he didn't, unless compared to tight, permed ringlets -- which I never asked him about. ???? Men.

THANK GOODNESS I braided my hair. I actually thanked him profusely. I would have been so upset had I spent the money on a perm, holding my breath to see if I liked, and fearing I'd hate it and have to convince myself I looked good to him. The whole perm was going to be a surprise. I was just going to come home and assumed he would see me and think how brilliantly beautiful I was with my new 'do.

So....I'm actually going to do what I want to do, and that is a Keratin straightening treatment. My hair always looks like crap....except when it's been freshly blown-dry straight after a haircut by the stylist. I've never been able to repeat it (my thick hair takes over an hour to dry like that, and the closest I can come to it is with a straightener, which if I did every day, or even just on weekends would quickly fry my already dry ends.

But supposedly, a Keratin treatment gives you that look without any maintenance. It's more expensive -- 250 at my salon -- but it locks out humidity (which is horrible here on east coast) and it's the only style I've ever loved and felt, and I mean REALLY felt beautiful with it. And it lasts 3 - 6 months. So, instead of it being a surprise, I then showed him pictures to ensure he would like it, and he said, yea, straight is what he's used to on me (though mine does have an odd wave to it -- mostly due to the regular ponytail) and that I was silly to consider getting a perm when I didn't want one and should do what makes me feel confident.

So....again, grateful I braided my hair and saved myself what could have been a disaster. And at least, even if I don't reach goal all summer, I will have liked my hair and felt pretty in that regard this summer. And hopefully that will give me the confidence to keep working out despite the heat and slow weight loss.

PS -- the picture for this post is EXACTLY what my hair looks like when blow-dried straight. :) So, since the weight is taking forever to come off, this (and my eyelashes) is my reward for learning how to not binge (and not doing it for over 2 months, when used to EVERY weekend), for exercising consistently and at the maximum even when not losing, and for overall not giving up this time around.

Not quite a binge

So, being very discouraged with only a .2 weight loss, I decided to go out to dinner with my hubby. I got dressed up, even did my hair, and we went to a pizza restaurant. I had 3 slices of a med pepperoni pizza, plus split an appetizer (i had a few onion rings and 1 1/2 chicken tenders dipped in honey mustard. Then, realizing that they didn't have the dessert I really wanted, we went to TGIF and split the brownie obsession (minus the pecans). Amazingly, I was not stuffed. I didn't overeat. It was fattening foods to be sure, but I didn't stuff myself silly and felt satisfied.

I got home and pointed it out and realized I still had 35 of my 49 points left (had alot of daily's left too). I was quite impressed.

Today we went kayaking for an hour, and then went food shopping. Since WW in April, I've not been in eating high fat foods all weekend long (pizza every night, etc.), but I woke up wanting a weekend off. I wanted my venti white mocha from Starbucks, I wanted a chic-fillet cookies and cream milkshake. I wanted pizza and chocolate cake. You get the picture.

So I ended up getting a rising crust pepperoni pizza, to eat half tonight and half tomorrow (he got supreme). I also got a slice of triple colossal chocolate cake -- and oh my gosh, it looks delicious. But hey, I bought a slice, not a whole cake (which would be devoured over the weekend). With his supreme pizza came 12 chocolate chip cookies you bake in the oven -- my absolute favorite, which we are going to split for tomorrow night's dessert.

I have decided I will point all this, even though I know it will def come over my 49. BUT, for a weekend off, I don't think it's that bad. I'm not binging. I'm not eating to the point of feeling stuffed. I'm not eating everything in sight. In fact, when I got hungry for lunch, I cut myself up some red pepper and ate it dipped in calorie-free dressing.

So even though I am taking a weekend off, which was totally unplanned and wouldn't have happened had I lost this week, I think I am doing it smart. Will I regret it Monday morning? I don't know. Will I regret it Friday morning at weigh-in if I lose nothing? Probably. Will I regret it if I gain? Definitely. But I have all week to burn it off, and since I'm going to point it, I will at least know how many exercise points I have to earn to make up for some of it. I don't really expect to gain. We'll see.

I'm already up to 8 points today. I'm going to hit at least 10, probably 12. (I'm doing high-impact step aerobics with weights while watching Australia Biggest Loser episodes on YouTube). Yesterday I did 8 points, despite laying on the couch for over an hour too unmotivated to get up and do anything after coming home from weigh-in.  7 is my usual max. 4 is my minimum. I usually hit 42 a week. I think I'll aim for 55, but at least 50 and see what the scale says Friday.

And now, back to Biggest Loser and my step (while carrying 26 pounds in a back pack -- the weight I've lost). Then off to my pizza dinner and delicious chocolate cake! :)

bikini dreams

Well, apparently despite freezing and just exiting out of the screen without a confirmation, the bikini order was still placed. *sigh*

I am going away on a mini-weekend vacation with my hubby over the 4th of July weekend. That's what I was ordering it for. I no i will probably feel good in it WITH the vest/wrap, but whether or not I will take that out and go swimming I've no idea (which was part of my exercise plan to maintain/not gain over the vacation).

Of course, you also have the problem of ordering a swimsuit online and it not fitting. I only paid for standard shipping so no idea if I have time to send it back and get another size if it doesn't fit, but I'm not too worried about that. I ordered the bottom in a size 10. I'm between an 8 and a 10 at the moment, but as slow as I lose weight, I don't think it will be baggy. Besides, I need the extra fabric to cover my tummy and fit nice on my hips (love handles) instead of indenting them in and creating a roll. The top I ordered in a D, which is exactly my bra size. It actually has an underwire and says D rather than medium or large and you can adjust both the neck and the band, so hopefully it will both cover the girls and hold them nicely in place.

Here are some pics....if anyone even reads this blog and wants to see. Regardless of how it fits, when it comes in, I will post pics with and without the wrap. Hopefully by then, I'll have some visitors who will let me know if I should wear it, or if there's no way in the world my body should see the light of day in a bikini.


This is the top. You can see the pads in this one, but they are only available in sizes A - C, so hopefully mine (D) will be smother. I'm just glad it's an underwire. I've never actually had a bathing suit made for a D.

This is the bottom. It says that rouching can be pulled down to create a skirt effect. I'm hoping that means it can also be pulled up to hide some/most of my tummy, which is why I chose this bottom to begin with. I don't have a long torso anyway, so most things sit higher on me than models, so hopefully it sits just at my navel. (Scroll down a post to see pics of tummy and why it needs to be hidden.)

Weigh-in

.2

And all I needed to reach my 10% and get a keychain was .4.

I knew the WW scale was off last week. Home scale said 140. Weight Watchers scale said 146. That's right back to exactly a 6 pound difference. What happened last week, I have no idea. So basically, instead of losing 2.2 last week, I probably only lost a pound. And this week a pound. Or 1.2 each week.

So freaking frustrated. I knew not to believe the scale last week.

I am dumb AND fat.

"Look Good Naked"

This is what my stomach looked like since I was 19 years old. I think the "look great naked" is the most painful media headline I see. Because I can't look good naked. Not without surgery, which will take a financial miracle.

I can't wear low rise jeans, let alone a bikini. I must be an idiot to have considered wearing a bikini this summer. I tried ordering it last night and the comp froze. It must have been a sign not to waste my money.

It doesn't matter how thin I get. I will never look good. And besides, I'm not thin enough yet even if I wasn't deformed -- as evidenced by my still huge thighs with 3 -4 inches of flab still touching! Was I delusional?

The last two include both the deformed stomach and the fat, squashy thighs.  What every man wants to see walking on the beach. Oh yea, so sexy.

And don't even talk about sitting. When I sit (or lay sideways), the whole thing just collapses over into rolls. One of my worst fears is my husband roving his hand over my stomach while I'm laying sideways.

All of this bikini dreaming started because of I have this absolutely adorable vest thing that I think I could look really sexy in (wearing it over the bikini). The problem is taking it off to go swimming and/or anytime I am sitting. I can't always be in a reclined pose.

I don't know what to do. I've worked really hard to lose weight, I exercise like a maniac, and most likely I will still be hiding in a skirted tankini this year. I am so discouraged. I wanted a black bikini so bad.